Before I begin to discuss the focus of this post, I thought it necessary to fill in the readers of "Roast Beef Tech" on the most important topics you missed if you didn't read my weekly column in "The Maine Campus." Here goes nothing: Tim Duncan sucks, golf is not a sport, NASCAR is even less of a sport, Tim Duncan sucks, Lane Kiffin is a loser, Kobe is awesome, and Tim Duncan sucks. All of these facts were the subject of a column of mine at one point or another and will likely appear periodically in this blog. Just wanted to make sure we're all on the same page.
Now that we've taken care of our first order of business, it's time to talk about cool people. After my co-author wrote his piece about the NBA MVP race between Derrick Rose and Lebron James, I approached him with a much more important question about the two stars: Which one of them would you rather hang out with? His response, which I completely agree with, was, "Neither...They're both lames." Lebron James is corny and Derrick Rose seems nice, but he's way too quiet for me to consider him cool at this point in his career. And that's when it became clear that my next blog had to be about which professional athletes would be the most fun to hang out/drink a beer with. I've chosen the top three athletes from each major sport that I'd like to party with and the only requirement is that they're not retired and their name is not Tim Duncan.
Since I'm already on the NBA, I'll begin with them. 3. Shaquille O'Neal - Say what you want about "The Big Aristotle," he has been giving some of the best soundbites in all of sports since the day he stepped foot in the NBA. There are so many to choose from but my favorites include a sideline interview with Craig Sager in which Shaq tells Sager that he's going to buy him a new jacket because the one he's wearing is "horri-awful," and O'Neal's response to a reporter asking him if he visited the Parthenon when he was in Europe: "I don't know. I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." 2. Delonte West - D West was easily my first pick of NBA players to hang out with before he went Mad Max and strapped up with three guns on a motorcycle ride back in September of 2009. Call me conservative, but I have to be a little cautious of anyone who carries a shotgun in a guitar case. But the St. Joe's alum is one of the most entertaining personalities in the sport and never fails to make me laugh. Need proof? Check out the youtube video of him freestyling while waiting at a KFC drive-thru or, better yet, his correspondent piece on "Jim Rome is Burning:" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67ufrcQlKt4&feature=related. And my Number 1 choice of NBA players to hang out with is none other than the Birdman, Chris Anderson - Dude has more ink than the Old Testament and spends his entire life doing nothing but blocking shots, dunking on fools and getting neck tattoos. All you have to do is look at this cat to realize that he knows how to party. Enough said.
Honorable Mention: Matt Barnes.
Now on to the NFL. 3. Peyton Manning - Unlike his younger brother Peyton actually has a personality, and a great one at that. His appearance on Saturday Night Live was epic and he has countless other commercials that prove his ability to entertain. His ability to flip the switch between serious, successful quarterback and funny, laid-back layman makes him a no-brainer for the list. 2. Chris Cooley - The Redskins tight end is always playing pranks on his teammates and is as quirky as Charlie Sheen minus the drugs. His life is committed to having fun regardless of what he's doing and that's never more evident than the day he was wired up for an entire practice: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kMO2FsrRKhQ. Oh yeah, and it doesn't hurt that his wife was a finalist for Maxim's list of Hottest Football Wives. 1. Clinton Portis - At this point, I don't even know what team Portis plays for and he may not either. But that doesn't take away from the fact that he is still the most humorous man in the game. As a teammate of Cooley's for several years, that Redskins locker room was/is? undoubtedly the most fun in the business. Portis is famous for the multiple costumes he dresses up in to conduct press conferences and never breaks character (except for an occasional chuckle). My personal favorite has to be Dolemite Jenkins, a parody of Napoleon Dynamite, but for a little taste of Portis' sense of humor check out this priceless video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aaO-s3-RLHE&feature=related. Next leading vote-getter: Jared Allen.
I must admit, I'm not overly informed when it comes to the NHL so I'm gonna have to keep this one short and sweet. 3. Barry Melrose - OK, Melrose isn't a player but I did some research, and the NHL isn't exactly overflowing with great personalities. But anyone who watches Sportscenter during hockey season knows that Melrose is cool enough to play the title character in the next James Bond movie. And he's the only man in all of sports who manages to make a mullet not look completely atrocious. 2. Alexander Ovechkin - Ovechkin has a couple of funny interviews, but the clip that sealed the deal was his Sportscenter commercial where he plays a Russian spy. Arguably the best player in the game, Ovechkin doesn't take himself too seriously and probably drinks vodka like it's Vitamin Water. 1. Scott Gomez - Gomez was born and raised in Alaska making him one of only two things that state has ever contributed to society (the other is Carlos Boozer). Check out some of the interviews he's done and you'll find him making perfectly normal conversations as awkward and uncomfortable for the reporter as possible. He once told a reporter he should be wearing a green suit because he's the grinch and when another thanked him for doing the interview he responded, "I didn't really want to." The guy is brutally honest and I love it. Honorable Mention: Jeremy Roenick (also no longer active)
And finally, we have Major League Baseball. 3. Adam Dunn - It's common knowledge that baseball players perform more pranks than any other athletes, simply because the game itself is so boring that pranks are their only source of entertainment. But Dunn likes to go the extra mile. When he was playing for the Cincinnati Reds, it wasn't uncommon for him to prank call the radio announcers during rain delays. Points for creativity and originality. 2. Nick Swisher - Any athlete that appears on funnyordie.com instantly has my respect but Swisher is also one of the most light-hearted, easy-going guys around. Back in April of 2009, Swisher was forced into pitching duty when the Yankees were getting mauled by the Rays. The Yanks were down 15-5 when Swisher entered, but the utility man still managed to have fun with it. Swisher occasionally opted to throw sidearm and shake off signs that weren't being given. He retired three batters, not allowing a run and recording a strikeout. And finally, the coolest baseball player on the planet is Brian Wilson. The self-proclaimed, soul-mudering technician of the mouth says the most random, hilarious things anytime you put a mic in his face. He became a certified ninja in his dreams, got fined for having too much awesomeness on his feet, and compares his beard to a reptile when asked how it changed from brown to black: "Ask a chameleon why it changes colors; it adapts." The list of ridiculously amazing things that Wilson has said and done is far too long to include them all here. But do yourself a favor and type his name into youtube. As long as you're not watching The Beach Boys (Wilson shares his name with a former member of the group), you'll be laughing for days.
Other "athletes" I'd like to hang out with: Andy Roddick, Anthony Kim, "Rampage" Jackson
-Brusk Dollas
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