I don't know what's taken me so long to get to this topic. I really don't. And it's not because I have a whole lot to say about it, but more because my opinions are rather strong. But I just recently got home from one of my twice a week, slow-pitch softball games so it's fresh in my mind and it's finally time. Not to mention that the Trexlertown Slow-Pitch playoffs are this weekend so there's no better time for me to get this off my chest. If you listen to Jim Rome on Fox Sports Radio, there's a very good chance that you've heard him allude to "softball guy." If not, allow me to explain: Rome consistently refers to this guy as the guy wearing jersey number 69 with the name "Hammer" on the back of it who thinks that his beer-drinking softball league is life. And while there are plenty of "Hammers" in the world, my definition of "softball guy" extends even further than the clean-up hitting, roid injecting, sleeve-cutting, pick-up truck driving lunatic that tries to hit the cover off the ball every at-bat. There are so many more guys that don't fit that description that still fall into the category of "softball guys."
Let me begin by saying there is definitely a fine line between a normal softball player and "softball guy." Take myself for example: I'm very competitive by nature so I try to win and perform at the highest level possible regardless of what I'm doing. I expect to get a base-hit every time I step to the plate and make every defensive play that is humanly possible. I've even been known to throw my bat from time to time when I hit a weak pop-up, but that's simply because there's no excuse for that for someone with any ounce of athleticism in their body. But here are a few things you might see from "softball guy" after making an out: Refusal to talk to teammates, inability to smile, hostility for the remainder of the game, and an attempt to break the aluminum bat over their knee (and possibly succeeding, depending on their steroid dosage for the day). There are some guys that just take the game way too seriously. If your week...check that...if your day is ruined after a loss in slow-pitch softball, you need a new hobby or two.
And the worst kind of "softball guy" is the guy that never played a sport in his life yet thinks it's OK to tell a real athlete how to play the game. Not only did nobody respect you before, but now you might as well be the dirt on the bottom of my cleats. This is typically the same guy that keeps track of his slugging percentage, on-base percentage, fielding percentage, ERA, or how many more milligrams of Dianabol he needs to hit the ball that extra ten feet to get over the fence. This guy also wears baseball pants when he plays and doesn't just complain, but curses out the one-man umpire crew when there's a bang-bang play at second base and the call doesn't go his team's way. Seriously, give the guy a break, loser. Unless your name is Rusty Bumgardner, just enjoy the game for what it is: A great way to have fun with friends, enjoy a few adult beverages and convince yourself that you just got your exercise for the day even though you didn't break a sweat. Basically what it comes down to is this: "Softball guy" is just another way of saying "weird guy with no life."
"I got 3-D glasses for $9.99! The movie is free!" -Some very dumb DJ from Gucci Mane's very dumb song, "Frowny Face," off his very dumb mixtape, "The BurrPrint 3-D." So dumb.
-Brusk Dollhairs
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