Do Better

I have to get a few things off my chest: I have been fortunate enough to start my career in the athletics field and, as I'm sure you've noticed on Sportscenter, there isn’t much going on. To maximize my time (and to make some extra cash, of course) I've been working sports camps over the past few weeks. I'd be lying if I said working camp isn’t fun, but the kids who attend are simply unbelievable. In my short time working these camps, I've seen things that make it impossible to hold back laughter, making me wonder what is really going on with our youth and their parents. So I've decided to give you a little insight into the oddities that I've encountered, while offering simple solutions to said parents and children: 

Parents: Don’t send your child to camp unless he/she is prepared to participate. One parent at one of the camps I worked sent her child, Jim, to basketball camp in a Polo shirt, plaid khakis, hiking sandals and a Kufi on his head. When the Director of the camp called the mother, she responded by saying, "There are shoes in his bag for him to wear."  The shoes she was referring to were Steve Madden penny loafers and, even better yet, there was only ONE of them. Jim wasn’t right in the head, and, needless to say, neither was Mom. If I told you Jim spent the week slapping campers like Rick James, would you believe me? Do better.

Kid: We’ll refer to this kid as Ian. Ian, please refrain from talking to me about what major power basketball program you are going to play for or when you're planning on entering the NBA Draft. I just watched you get lit up by a kid who wouldn’t make junior varsity on some women’s teams. You're fifteen years old still attending summer day camp. I know fifth graders who would slow roast you like a porkloin. Go sit down somewhere and hit the books. A college education is in your best interest.

 What is it with children and the words "sit down" that makes them want to do the opposite? I wanted to throw a pigskin at one kid’s sternum for his inability to comprehend simple directions. Parents, I know your children can be a handful, but don’t pawn them off to camps to avoid your maternal/paternal obligations. I don’t want to babysit your child unless I have the privilege of making him do wall sits until his legs turn into cooked spaghetti. Do better parents, do better. 

  I don’t understand why parents spend money on something their child has no interest in. Another child, Jake, was a very well-behaved kid and a delight at camp. One day, we held a dance contest to pass some time and to entertain the counselors. Jake, who looks about as goofy as Anderson Varejao, got in the circle and absolutely killed The Dougie, The Catdaddy, The Jerk and even rocked off like a former Maine Black Bear, Crumbz (for those of you who don't know, those are all recent hip-hop dances). I was absolutely shocked because he resembled Danny Masterson in “That 70’s Show.” The problem is that this was a basketball camp and he performed all four dances when attempting a basic lay-up. I mean, my man was finger rolling lay-ups over the backboard.  He should be attending Shane Sparks Hip-hop Dance Academy, not the HoopMovement Basketball Skills Camp.

Quick video sidenote:  As good of a dancer as this man is, he was twice as impressive on the football field.  It's too bad he only made it through half a season in his career as a Black Bear.

"Swag:" It’s no secret how I feel about the word. It’s a bunch of dudes trying to convince other dudes how much cooler they are than the rest. Doesn’t make sense to me, shouldn’t make sense to you either. I don’t have a problem with Joe Paterno, Digger Phelps or Dick Vitale using the word to describe a team’s confidence, charisma and demeanor. I have a problem with kids who use the word  to describe small, V-Neck, white tee-shirts, belts that are bigger than the sagging skinny jeans, snapback hats, shoes that would fit Crusty the Clown and a backpack with nothing in it. When the women on "The View" are using the word in their dialogue, it's time for the rest of us to eliminate it from our vocabulary. Death to "swag" and everything it represents.

PSA – Snapbacks aren’t back – Snapbacks look like the Fisher Price version of hats. I have never seen a 59Fifty New Era fitted cap on the Lid’s $10 clearance rack. Snapback have been there for the past decade. I'll believe they're back when I see Cliff Lee bust one out during an NLCS contest.

While pretending to know how to properly swing a baseball bat, I saw Sam whispering to Tom which resulted in them both giggling like two little school girls. I was curious to know what was so damn funny. I asked Sam what I missed and he responded with, “Do you know what RAP stands for…RETARDS ATTEMPTING POETRY.” My first thought was to throat-chop this little kid like Denzel Washington in "He Got Game," but can you really blame him? Current rappers like Gucci Mane, OJ Da Juiceman, Lil B and Soulja Boy sound like they've never stepped foot in a classroom in their lives. And that's what Sam and Tom know to be "rap." The comment was very ignorant to say the least, but lets be honest, that is pretty damn funny and accurate when it comes to today's commercial rap.

 Last but not least, parents, please start using your better judgment. One ten year-old, Johnny, was attending baseball camp. Johnny is 5’5 250 pounds, give or take a few LB’s. Johnny has asthma. Johnny hasn’t exercised in six months because he lost his inhaler. Where is the last place a 250 pound ten year-old should be without his inhaler? A baseball diamond where the heat index is pushing 106 degrees at 10 a.m. Little Johnny didn’t stand a chance. During catch, Johnny was wheezing harder than Baby Dee describing a brand new cupcake. Johnny made it to 10:30 before I was forced to call his parents to come pick him up. He wasn’t about to take a dirt nap on my watch.

PS – Camp started at 9am

This is all in fun and was meant to hurt no one. The stories are 100 percent true, however the names are not. Stay thirsty my friends.

“If you knew better, you’d do better.” – Fabolous

-Jae Pierce