Will You Just Shut Up Already???

It would be against my religion to dedicate another entire post to soccer, especially considering our ladies were on the losing end of the World Cup Final yesterday.  I don't have a whole lot to say about it, but I'll give you my take in a few short sentences:  It's tough to win a soccer game when you can't put the ball in the net.  Sure, our girls scored two goals, but anyone that watched that game knows that they missed two or three times as many chances as they converted on.  And the game itself was a simple case of foreshadowing when it came to penalty kicks, where, once again, "we" were unable to capitalize.  There isn't one individual to blame for the loss, but I still can't figure out how the best players in the world can miss half their shots so badly.  That's like Tom Brady having Wes Welker open in the endzone of the Super Bowl and throwing it through the uprights.  Nonetheless, it'd be ignorant of anyone to not give Japan the credit they deserve.  And, like my girl Hope Solo said, if there was one team I would have wanted to win other than the U.S., it would be Japan.  After all the adversity that country has dealt with over that last few months, it's nice to see them have something to celebrate.  I hope you've enjoyed reading about soccer because there's a good chance this is the last time I'll talk about it before the 2014 Men's World Cup in Brazil.

Today I want to talk about something that every athlete and sports fan has dealt with.  From elementary school intramurals to the professionals, there is one constant in every sport:  Obnoxious, uninformed fans.  It doesn't matter if you're at a live sporting event or watching it on TV, there is always someone who thinks they'd make a better referee and/or coach than the ones that they're watching.  If you're like me, you find yourself trying to contain the urge to punch that idiot right in the skull.  If you've never experienced that feeling, it's probably because you're the asshole that the rest of us would like to elbow in the temple.  As a former athlete and current sports reporter and bartender, I'm lucky enough to be around these individuals pretty much every day of my life.  Allow me to give you a few examples that I've seen in the past few weeks.

During yesterday's World Cup final, I was bartending once again.  My bar was completely packed during the game, full of drunken imbeciles screaming at the television every 12 seconds.  For the majority of the day I was able to block out the nonsensical outbursts from the peanut gallery.  But there was one argument that took place between two of the patrons that I was unable to avoid.  I'll begin by reminding you that the U.S. women lost to Sweden in their third and final group-stage game, then beat Brazil in the quarterfinals and France in the semifinals.  Well some dude, lets call him "Moron," was arguing with a guy next to him that the U.S. played Brazil in the semifinals.  The other guy, lets call him "Normal Guy," informed Moron that the U.S. played Brazil in the quarterfinals and then France in the semifinals, which we know is correct.  Now, Moron had been at the bar since about an hour before the game started and I heard him talking about soccer strategy multiple times during that span.  In other words, Moron acted like he knew the game.  So, Moron proceeded to tell Normal Guy that he was wrong, and that the U.S. played Brazil and France in the semifinals.  At this point, I considered throwing Moron's beer in his face, glass included, because that was one of the top 5 dumbest things I had ever heard.  But I restrained myself and continued to listen.  Normal Guy, however, was not able contain his disgust and replied with, "What!?  Are you retarded?"  The conversation continued for a few more minutes with Moron claiming that they played a series in the semifinals and refusing to admit that he was wrong.  The dude was straight-up not smart.  He had no clue what he was talking about, yet he acted like he was Pia Sundhage's heir apparent.  He should lose his privilege to speak during athletic events.  That's a prime example of the uninformed, ignorant fan, but he's not even the worst kind.

The worst type of fan is the obnoxious one that thinks the more they yell at refs and coaches, the better the chances the team they're rooting for will win.  As if the referee is gonna hear you yelling and think, "You know what?  That guy in the stands knows what he's talking about.  I'm gonna listen to him from now on."  A few weeks back I was covering a girls' lacrosse game and that guy was in attendance.  At first it was maybe a tiny bit amusing to hear his constant degradation of the referee.  But pretty soon it got REAL old, REAL fast.  This guy literally had something to say every time the whistle blew.  If a call was made against his team, he complained.  Even when a call was made in favor of his team, he'd make comments such as, "I'm surprised you got that far into the rule book!"  He yelled at the coach, offering his strategic demands, told the players how to play the game, and didn't stop until the clock hit zero.  Before long, the people sitting near him had relocated and I found myself rooting for the other team to win.  I don't care if you were an All-American lacrosse player at Syracuse (and trust me, that's not on this genius' athletic resume), that still wouldn't justify those actions.

The point is that you don't want to be one of the aforementioned fans.  There are plenty of sports fans that don't fall into one of these categories, but the ones that do should be banished from the athletic forum all together.  Get a life and just enjoy watching the game like a normal human being.  Next time you run into one of these hooligans (which I assume will be the next time you watch a sport in public), feel free to jab them directly in the jaw.  Just don't blame it on me when you're handcuffed in the back of a patrol car.

"I threw the kitchen sink at him but he went to the bathroom and threw back the tub."  -Andy Roddick (after his loss to Roger Federer in the 2004 Wimbledon Final)

I couldn't find any good videos that were relevant to this post, so I decided to stick with the Andy Roddick theme because he's far and away the funniest man in tennis.  And one of the best interviews in all of sports:

-Brusk Dollas