Just the "Tip" of the Iceberg

The sports world quickly went from incredibly boring and uneventful to having an abundance of potential blog topics.  From the endless NCAA violations at Miami (is anybody really surprised about anything that goes down at "The U?") to the NFL's belief that they can just make up rules as they go along (kickoffs moved up five yards, Terrelle Pryor being eligible for the supplemental draft when he CLEARLY should not be), I wasn't sure which direction to go when I woke up this morning.  Fortunately for all of us, somebody gift-wrapped a topic and delivered it to me on this fine day.  There may come a day in the near future that I tackle one of the aforementioned issues, but today's post will be completely dedicated to a list of the Top Ten Worst Celebrity Tippers that was accumulated on a restaurant blog called "Short Order."

Before I even dive into the list, let me address a few important questions/facts:  First of all, I know what you all are thinking:  What criteria was used in developing this list?  Also, how do we know what facts are/aren't true?  As far as the first question is concerned, this blog did their research.  According to the site, the list was compiled based on the "number of cheapskate lists each person appears on, stinginess relative to how wealthy the person is, and how low the tip, comparative to how high the bill."  Naturally I did my research as well and can confirm that their top ten were consistently appearing on list after list.  To answer question number two, simply, we don't.  It's impossible to know the real facts unless you're a server that was unfortunate enough to deal with one of these scumbags.  But because there are several celebrities on the list that I never liked in the first place, I choose to believe it.  And that brings up the one fact that I needed to get out of the way.  I'm the most skeptical dude on the planet when it comes to most things...That is, unless, it's more negative press about someone that I already disliked.  So now that we have those things out of the way, here's the list with my take on each individual named.

Coming in at #10 on this lovely list is the most popular food personality herself, Rachael Ray.  Lets be serious.  Any normal person that has ever watched Rachael Ray knows that the smell of her annoyingness (yes, that's a real word) and fraudulence are much stronger than that of the dishes she whips up.  She tries wayyyy to hard to come off as a genuine sweetheart when clearly she flips that switch off as soon as the camera turns off.

At #9 is long-time funnyman Bill Cosby.  This one is a little disappointing because Cosby doesn't fall into the category of "celebrities I never liked."  Nonetheless, the man is getting downright old at this point so I'll chalk his bad tips up to old age/an inability to perform simple math/senility.

#8 on the list is actor Sean Penn.  When it comes to his on-screen performances, I'm a big fan of Penn's.  But I'm hardly surprised to see him on this list considering that he seems virtually unable to form a smile.

At #7 we have the beautiful Mariah Carey.  If her tip percentage was as high as the notes she's capable of hitting, restaurant servers would be very happy and she would be very broke.  However that is far from the case.  Once again though, no surprise that someone who would marry Nick Cannon lacks judgment in other areas of her life.

Not quite cheap enough to crack the Top 5 is R&B singer Usher at #6.  This one is probably the biggest surprise on the list.  Don't kid yourself, everyone likes Usher.  He's a talented musician and dancer and seems authentically personable whenever he's interviewed.  But we might as well stay right along with the whole "lack of judgment" theme.  If you're looking for a reason to believe that Usher may very well belong on this list, just go listen to his 2004 album titled "Confessions" where he publicly admits to having impregnated another woman while in a relationship.  True story.  Not to mention that his name appeared more consistently than anyone's when I was doing some research into the credibility of this list.

And this is where the list really gets good.  At #5 is actor Jeremy Piven, or, as most of you probably know him, Ari from the HBO series "Entourage."  It's reported that Piven once left an autographed "Entourage" DVD as his show of gratitude.  That would be a nice thing to do along with at least a 25% tip for someone as wealthy as he is.  And if you're sitting there thinking, "Well at least you could sell it on EBay and make some money off of it," I really have no rebuttal.  You're right, you probably could do that.  Maybe this man doesn't belong on the list after all.  Don't shoot the messenger.

My only complaint about the next dirtball on this list is that he didn't make the top 3.   The #4 worst celebrity tipper is Lebron James.  I don't need to sit here and tell you all the reasons you shouldn't be surprised about this one.  The dude is downright corny.  Here's an impressive display of appreciation for ya:  According to The Miami News Times, James once ran up an $800 tab at a Cleveland steakhouse, eating and drinking until 4 a.m.  At that hour, chances are the place would have closed 4 hours earlier but likely remained open for the man that city once idolized.  So how did he thank them?  By leaving a staggering $10.  I'm no mathematician, but I think that equates to 1.25%.  Someone double-check that.  Anyway, given that the tip comes at the end of the meal, that's just another confirmation that James has no idea how to finish.

And now for the Top 3.  At #3 is the ageless actor/singer Barbara Streisand.  This is a tough one.  Streisand is rather well-known for her charitable donations.  According to the Boston Herald, she's raised more than $25 million for charities via live performances.  But there's a report that she once left a $10 tip on a $457 tab. Apparently all celebrities think that $10 is a sufficient tip regardless of the size of the bill.  I'm just gonna stop there 'cause I know what some of you are thinking...

Just barely missing the top spot, coming in at #2 is Madonna.  This chick is just plain weird.  I'm not even gonna make the "Material Girl" connection because I've already heard it too many times.  But the original Lady Gaga minus wearing raw meat for a hat is reported to have left an $18 tip on a $400 bill.  Terrible, yes. But does it bother anyone else that Lebron's 1.25% didn't edge out Babs and Madonna?  Anyway, I'm impartial when it comes to Madonna so I'm gonna give her a bit of a pass here.

And taking home the top spot, the stingiest mofo on planet Earth......................My good pal Eldrick "Tiger" Woods.  This entire post could have been dedicated to poor displays of judgment on Tiger's behalf.  But the one that is relevant to this list comes from a report by "List of the Day:"  Apparently Tiger once "pulled a mulligan on a $5 tip, re-pocketing the money meant for a waitress after realizing he had tipped her earlier in the evening.  He was possibly distracted by the $10,000 hand of blackjack he was playing."  It's a damn good thing he pulled that 5-spot back.  As of September of 2010, the most recent calculated report I could find, Tiger was only worth 100 million times more than that.  I wanted to make some sort of comparison until I realized there is nothing in the world that is worth 100 million times less than I am.  The only thing comparable between Tiger and myself at this point is our golf game.  On that note, he may need that $5 in the near future.

"I have a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone's golf game.  It's called an eraser."  -Arnold Palmer

-Brusk Dollas

The Infamous "Softball Guy"

I don't know what's taken me so long to get to this topic.  I really don't.  And it's not because I have a whole lot to say about it, but more because my opinions are rather strong.  But I just recently got home from one of my twice a week, slow-pitch softball games so it's fresh in my mind and it's finally time.  Not to mention that the Trexlertown Slow-Pitch playoffs are this weekend so there's no better time for me to get this off my chest.  If you listen to Jim Rome on Fox Sports Radio, there's a very good chance that you've heard him allude to "softball guy."  If not, allow me to explain:  Rome consistently refers to this guy as the guy wearing jersey number 69 with the name "Hammer" on the back of it who thinks that his beer-drinking softball league is life.  And while there are plenty of "Hammers" in the world, my definition of "softball guy" extends even further than the clean-up hitting, roid injecting, sleeve-cutting, pick-up truck driving lunatic that tries to hit the cover off the ball every at-bat.  There are so many more guys that don't fit that description that still fall into the category of "softball guys."

Let me begin by saying there is definitely a fine line between a normal softball player and "softball guy."  Take myself for example:  I'm very competitive by nature so I try to win and perform at the highest level possible regardless of what I'm doing.  I expect to get a base-hit every time I step to the plate and make every defensive play that is humanly possible.  I've even been known to throw my bat from time to time when I hit a weak pop-up, but that's simply because there's no excuse for that for someone with any ounce of athleticism in their body.  But here are a few things you might see from "softball guy" after making an out:  Refusal to talk to teammates, inability to smile, hostility for the remainder of the game, and an attempt to break the aluminum bat over their knee (and possibly succeeding, depending on their steroid dosage for the day).  There are some guys that just take the game way too seriously.  If your week...check that...if your day is ruined after a loss in slow-pitch softball, you need a new hobby or two.

And the worst kind of "softball guy" is the guy that never played a sport in his life yet thinks it's OK to tell a real athlete how to play the game.  Not only did nobody respect you before, but now you might as well be the dirt on the bottom of my cleats.  This is typically the same guy that keeps track of his slugging percentage, on-base percentage, fielding percentage, ERA, or how many more milligrams of Dianabol he needs to hit the ball that extra ten feet to get over the fence.  This guy also wears baseball pants when he plays and doesn't just complain, but curses out the one-man umpire crew when there's a bang-bang play at second base and the call doesn't go his team's way.  Seriously, give the guy a break, loser.  Unless your name is Rusty Bumgardner, just enjoy the game for what it is:  A great way to have fun with friends, enjoy a few adult beverages and convince yourself that you just got your exercise for the day even though you didn't break a sweat.  Basically what it comes down to is this:  "Softball guy" is just another way of saying "weird guy with no life."

"I got 3-D glasses for $9.99!  The movie is free!"  -Some very dumb DJ from Gucci Mane's very dumb song, "Frowny Face," off his very dumb mixtape, "The BurrPrint 3-D."  So dumb.

-Brusk Dollhairs

Haters Gon' Hate

The opinion that I'm about to share with you is one that I will stand by forever because this very same situation was a part of my life for three years (minus the major media coverage). Why is the media bashing a young man that has done nothing to warrant hatred? Why is he the butt of every joke when he has accomplished more in twenty-three years than his middle-aged critics have in a lifetime? Tim Tebow has been the topic of verbal onslaught for over a week now due to the perception of his play at Quarterback. I don’t get it and I probably never will, but today’s post will be my stance on Tim Tebow, the football player. I won't bore you with discussions about Tim Tebow’s lifestyle because he lives by a moral code that most of us couldn’t sustain for a week. Today will be my rebuttal to the critics and their lack of confidence in one Timothy Richard Tebow.

I've heard it all when it comes to Tebow's play at the Quarterback position and every day I question if the critics realize who they are talking about. Tim Tebow is a Quarterback who, throughout his whole life, was told he couldn’t play the position. As a true Sophomore, Tebow was the first player ever to win the Heisman as a second year player confirming the hype that has surrounded him since his days in high school. He’s also the first guy in fifty years to win the Maxwell Award (Best Offensive Player) twice and it should be noted he beat out Cam Newton (First Pick in 2011 NFL Draft) for a starting job at Florida twice. Yet I still hear that Timmy can’t play Quarterback at the NFL level even though he out-performed everyone, including the guys that analysts praise.  

I will agree Tim Tebow is not your classic, sit-in-the-pocket, statue Quarterback, but neither are Steve Young, Randall Cunningham, Michael Vick or Donovan McNabb. The common denominator with all these amazing football players is that they perform when the lights are on. The past week has brought us numerous reports of how Kyle Orton looks better than Tebow and he will begin the season as the starter for the Denver Broncos. Tebow has not only lost his competition for the starting job, but reporters have said that Brady Quinn has been throwing the ball better than Tebow and that he will likely be Orton's back-up. While the assault of Tebow is taking place, remember one thing:  The last time the Denver Broncos took the field against an opponent Tebow was competing against playoff caliber teams with Orton and Quinn watching from the sideline feeding each other water. The media talks about Orton like he was a playoff caliber quarterback last year. In reality, Orton started the first 13 games of the season leading the Broncos to an embarrassing 3-10 record in those games. My biggest issue with the situation in Denver is that the observers are judging the hardest position in sports under the most unrealistic conditions. Anyone who has ever played the game, and a lot of people who haven't, know the golden rule in practice is DON’T TOUCH THE QUARTBACK. Every traditional Quarterback is great without the possibility of a defender knocking his teeth down his throat. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I'm pretty sure no team was ever rewarded a win for having a good practice.

In college I played with three different Quarterbacks in my four-year experience. I will not single out any one of these guys, but the two who were excellent practice Quarterbacks led us to a very impressive three-year record of 13-17 (please note the sarcasm). When those two were either gone or injured, the guy who wasn’t always throwing the most beautiful passes during routes on air and who didn't care how his balls *pause* looked in line-throw took his troops on a six-game winning streak which ultimately ended in the NCAA playoffs. The intangibles this quarterback possessed weren't something you could see in skelly (7on7). This Quarterback shined on the gridiron, during games, where the pads crack and defenses take pleasure in decapitating signal-callers.

It doesn’t matter who throws the prettiest spiral or who can launch a rocket 85 yards in the air. All that matters is how a Quarterback leads his men and brings home victories. At the end of the day he's one of many that went into the trenches together as a unit in the ultimate team sport. Tebow rallies his followers with his play on the game-field. He brings heart, passion and desire which is are all traits shared by my former teammate. Give the kid a chance to fail instead of writing him off. After all, he's done nothing his entire life but prove everyone wrong. You'd be surprised at what can be accomplished when a chance is given to someone who's been counted out their entire life. Does the name Doug Flutie ring a bell?

 “We’re gonna take lives and crush skulls. Live by the motto we follow and he'll take us to victory. Bring this shit up and say it on three:  In Brusko We Trust!”  -Sean Wasson AKA The Most Interesting Man On Earth. Stay thirsty my friends!

-Jae Pierce

Always a Front-Runner

Over the past few weeks, my co-author and I have gone in a slightly different direction with many of our posts.  If you've been keeping up with us, you know we haven't talked a whole lot about current events in the sports world, mostly because it's a pretty boring time of year.  We also like to give our readers something different, something you haven't already heard five times a day on SportsCenter.  But after this weekend's PGA WGC-Bridgestone Invitational, I have to give you my take on what everyone and their mother have been talking about.

The Bridgestone Invitational garnered the attention of just about every sports fan as Tiger Woods played his first tournament since May 12, when he withdrew from the Players Championship due to injury after an atrocious first nine holes.  But Woods' return wasn't the only thing that people were watching.  Just two weeks before the tournament he fired long-time caddie and friend, Steve Williams, after 12 years together.  The break-up was inevitable after Williams became vocally critical of Woods as a result of Tiger's adulterous ways that were made public knowledge almost two years ago.  These two men, who, at one time were such good friends that they stood up for one another at their respective weddings, have seen their relationship deteriorate rapidly since Thanksgiving of 2009.  After his firing, Williams was hired by Adam Scott to carry his bag for this weekend's tournament.

I'll be the first to admit, I was rooting for Scott to win simply out of spite for Tiger.  I've never been a fan of Woods and when Scott eventually won the tournament on Sunday I was a happy man.  But my elation only lasted until I heard Williams' post-round interview.  Before I get into his comments, let me explain something to those of you who don't know much about golf:  Williams is a caddy.  His job is to carry his golfer's bag, recommend an occasional club, help his golfer read greens, and dap him up after a good shot.  And that's being generous.  According to Curtis Strange, two-time winner of the U.S. Open, a caddy's job is to "show up, keep up and shut up."  The golfer swings the clubs.  The golfer records every single score on every single hole.  The golfer makes the final decision on what club to use and what shot to hit.  That's why I had to laugh and then vomit when I heard Williams acting like he had just won the tournament on Sunday.  Take a listen to this:

I don't really care about him saying it was the best win and week of his life.  I really don't.  He obviously had a chip on his shoulder after his firing so it's natural that he wanted to win this weekend more than ever before, especially with Tiger in the field.  My disgust comes from him acting like he was the one making the shots.  At no point did he give any credit to the man that actually played.  The man conducting the interview, David Feherty, even gave Williams a perfect opportunity to compliment Adam Scott (although it was the longest question I've ever heard from a reporter), but Williams blew that chance.  Instead he thought the world needed to know that he's a "very confident front-runner" on the racetrack and on the golf course.  First of all, literally nobody cares that you go racing.  I'm betting he doesn't even do the driving, he just sits in the passenger seat and tells the driver to keep turning left.  Second of all, YOU didn't win.  YOUR GOLFER won.  And YOU don't have 145 career wins.  You've CARRIED THE BAG for 145 wins, almost all of them coming from arguably the greatest golfer in history.  There's a reason you wear your golfer's last name on the back of your shirt instead of your own:  Because you just don't matter that much.  If caddies make such a difference in a round of golf, why is it that I can't name a single one other than Williams?  And don't let it go to your head, Stevie.  The only reason I know your name is because of your immature behavior.

I understand why Williams is upset.  According to him, Tiger fired him during a phone conversation, not in a face to face meeting like Woods has said.  But it's about time he grows up and handles his disappointment like a man.  Don't go cry to the media about how you need to put food on the table for your family.  I have a hard time feeling bad for someone who has easily made several million dollars over the past few years by simply carrying some golf clubs.  Tiger Woods made you.  Anyway, what did you think was going to happen when you publicly criticized him for decisions he made in his private life?  I never thought we'd see the day that I support Tiger Woods, but I think Williams has managed to surpass him for my least favorite individual in golf.  

"I'll get up at five in the morning to do only two things:  Go to the bathroom and play golf."

-Jim McMahon, former NFL Quarterback

-Brusk Dollhairs

Oh Happy Day

Listen up everybody:  As most of you probably know, today, Thursday, August 4th, is the birthday of an incredibly important and influential man in our country.  A man that many people admire and believe to be the answer to all of our nation's biggest problems.  That man, of course, is me.  And because I'm committed to this blog, I've gone against the advice of some of the people closest to me and decided to post regardless of the fact that I should probably be getting absolutely annihilated right now.  I will warn you though, this isn't going to be the most lengthy post I've ever written as I have celebrating to do.  But what better way to honor this glorious day than to examine some athletic history that has taken place on this date?  None that I can think of.

On August 4th, 1984, Carl Lewis captured his very first Olympic gold medal by winning the 100m dash final in Los Angeles.  Lewis would go on to win eight more gold medals in his Olympic career, tying him with Mark Spitz and Paavo Nurmi for the most in men's Summer Olympic history.  That record stood until 2008 when Michael Phelps won 8 gold medals in a single year to push his total to 14.  Nonetheless, Lewis is the single greatest sprinter in U.S. history, but here's a fun fact that most people don't know:  Lewis is arguably a better singer than he is a sprinter:

I've also discovered that August 4th is National Steroids Day.  Check this out:  Roger Clemens was born on August 4th, 1962, and we all know that man still has needles floating around his septic tank.  Then on this day four years ago, Barry Bonds tied Hank Aaron for the most homeruns in MLB history when he hit the 755th of his career, and Alex Rodriguez joined the 500 club the very same day.  I'm gonna give A-Rod a pass and not even mention his most recent controversy involving high-stakes poker games because I'm on a strict schedule.  But I won't ignore the fact that he and Bonds both came into the league looking like Antoine Dodson and "somehow" evolved into Ronnie Coleman look-alikes.  Google the names if you don't know who they are.  

In my last minute research I found a few more notable individuals that were born on August 4th:  NASCAR drivers Kurt Busch and Jeff Gordon.  Those two should be honored to share a birthday with someone like myself who's had moderate success in an actual sport.  And lastly, I just learned that the President of the United States of America, Barack Obama, was born on this day back in 1961.  Who knew?

Unfortunately, yes, that's all I have for today.  Thank you all for the birthday wishes you've offered, whether it be via Facebook, text message or phone call.  I have an amazing family and an awesome group of friends and I hope you all know how much I appreciate you.  And if you happen to read this on Thursday night, throw back a cold one for me.  I'm sure I'll be doing the same.

"Birthdays are good for you.  Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest."  -Unknown

-Brusk Dollhairs

You Don't Really Expect Me To Believe That...

Instead of going off on a tangent in the middle of this post, I'm gonna get this one out of the way right out the gate.  "Shark Week" is the most overrated thing on television.  I watched the premiere of "Shark Week" last night on the Discovery Channel at 9 p.m. and saw an entire week's worth of television in one hour.  Every single show is a bunch of "shark historians" with South African/Australian accents (which is practically the same thing) talking about the increasing number of shark sightings in areas near shore.  Sure it's fascinating to see those beasts and what they're capable of, but how many times can you expect me to watch the same story with no variations except the show's title and the location?  I get it already:  Sharks aren't human predators by nature, they're big as hell and it's not a good idea to get bitten by one.  That's about all I need to know.  Now lets talk about more idiots in the world of sports.

I can't figure out if athletics bring out the inner-liar in so many people or if there are just that many delirious people that don't realize they have no clue what they're talking about.  Either way, there is no single thing that people exaggerate/lie more about than sports.  In some cases it's the athletes themselves that are guilty of embellishing their personal accomplishments (which never happens with an athlete that is actually successful) and in others it's naive fans that either make shit up or simply regurgitate statistics they've heard because they don't know any better.  The other night I was covering a Reading Phillies (Double-A affiliate of the Philadelphia Phillies) game for work and was forced to listen to a fan tell bold-faced lies for almost the entire nine innings.  Because I have other, much more important things to get to in this post, I'll just tell you about the two most laughable things he said.  The guy started telling a co-worker and me about some running back that plays football at a local college.  Apparently the kid went to high school nearby, so this fan followed his career...Or, not so much, considering what he was about to tell me.  I'm familiar with the high school that he played at and believe me, he would've had more competition against 12 year-old girls.  That has nothing to do with the story, I just feel like making fun of everything possible right now.  Anyway, Old Man River tells us that this dude set the Pennsylvania state record for touchdowns in a season.  WRONG.  I played against the man who set the record and it ain't that guy.  He went on to tell us that he's on full athletic scholarship at his college.  EHHH (that's my attempt to type the sound a buzzer makes) WRONG AGAIN.  The school this kid goes to isn't permitted to give full athletic scholarships.  Instead of pointing out all the inaccuracies in senile guy's stories, I just nodded my head and let him believe he was fooling me.  But in my head, I'm wondering two things:  How dumb does this guy think I am? And, I wonder if the kid he's talking about even plays college football.  So it got me thinking about a few other things that people are constantly lying about.

The first lie that I've heard time and time again is how high someone's vertical jump is.  Most of the time this is coming from an athlete because normal people don't discuss how high they can jump.  But ask a male athlete what his vertical is and I promise you his answer won't be lower than 30 inches.  And unless you're talking to an offensive lineman, I'll bet the answer won't be lower than 33 inches.  Is that the truth?  Probably not.  Sure there are some guys with verts in the high 30's and even low 40's, but those dudes are few and far between.  For example, according to topendsports.com, the average vertical for all NBA players is between 28 and 29 inches.  The highest vertical recorded at the 2011 NBA pre-draft combine camp was 36.5" by Iman Shumpert.  Better yet, do you know who Travis Leslie is?  If not, he's a 6'4" guard/forward from the University of Georgia that seemed to be dunking on someone on top plays every other night during basketball season.  Wanna know what he measured in the vertical at the pre-draft combine camp?  33 inches.  Now I'll admit, some vertical tests are flawed.  I cheated my way to a 33-inch vertical when working out for NFL scouts and that may be one of the problems.  Some tests allow athletes to believe that they jump much higher than they really do.  'Cause I don't even dream about doing things I've seen Leslie do with ease...This should be illegal:

Lets move on to some things you're more likely to hear on a daily basis.  Lots of dudes are obsessed with talking about how much they bench press.  I don't get it.  Honestly, nobody cares except for your equally-as-roided-up buddy that wears a wifebeater to the gym with you.  Nonetheless, to all these Jersey Shore wannabes, the bench press has become the criteria used for ranking masculinity.  And just like the vertical jump and the topic still to come, there is a certain number that everyone can do.  Everyone you know that works out can bench at least 300 pounds.  That is, if you believe their nonsense.  Again, there are plenty of guys that actually can bench 300 pounds or more, but there are plenty more that would get their sternum crushed if they were able to get that much weight off the rack.  300 pounds isn't too far out of the realm of possibility, but if you ever hear someone say they bench 350, I want you to do three things:  First, judo chop them in the Adam's Apple for being a meathead and talking about how much they bench, then tell them to put the weight on the bar.  Finally, and this is the best part of all, watch them drop 350 pounds of steel on their neck while you laugh at their dumbass.

There are lots of things that people lie about when it comes to sports, but the last one I'm going to address is probably the one that we hear the most fabrications about:  40-yard dash time.  Listen, almost nobody is as fast as they say they are and that includes athletes.  Even non-athletes somehow know what their 40 time is, but it's never accurate.  The standard benchmark in the 40 is probably the most ludicrous of them all, and I'm saying it's 4.6 seconds.  90% of people will tell you they run a 4.6 or faster and that's simply ridiculous.  I've seen one of the fastest men in college run just under a 4.5 in an electronically timed 40-yard dash.  And when I say one of the fastest men in college, I mean exactly that.  Dude was in the final heat of the 55 meter dash at the 2007 NCAA Track Indoor Championships.  Silly fast.  And he's the only person I've ever seen break 4.5 in an electronic 40.  The fastest guys that I played football with in college were consistently running in the 4.6 and 4.7 range and they could fly.  If you've never been timed electronically, here's a surefire equation for calculating your time:  Take the already unrealistic time that you think you run, add at least four tenths of a second, and then you have the time you'd run on the absolute fastest day of your life.

Let me conclude by again acknowledging that there are exceptions to every rule.  I've seen the fastest of the fast, the strongest of the strong and guys that can windmill off their vertical.  So I know these things are possible.  But for that same reason, I also know how many people are downright liars when talking about the numbers they can put up.  Why are so many people afraid to admit the true measures of their athleticism?  And the list doesn't end at the vertical, the bench press and the 40 time.  Its become acceptable to lie about things like your golf handicap, your bowling average, and even things as simple and concrete as your height.  I don't know why everybody is constantly worried about being judged, but I do know this:  You'll be judged much more harshly when it's actually time to put your money where your mouth is and you can't deliver.

"There are three kinds of lies:  lies, damned lies, and statistics."  -Mark Twain

-Brusk Dollhairs

Live Your Life

I just sat down to write tonight's post and hadn't completely decided which direction to go with it.  Naturally, I flipped on ESPN to get my creative juices flowing and the good folks at the worldwide leader in sports were kind enough to provide me with my topic for the evening:  The X-Games Moto X Best Trick competition.  Let me begin by saying these dudes are a different breed of human being.  They're similar to professional MMA fighters when it comes to being sick in the head, but these guys are on a different level.  When it first began the best trick competition was won by things like a standard backflip or a superman (a trick where the rider lets go of the handlebars, grabs on to the seat of the bike, extends his body completely flat and parallel to the ground, then pulls himself back on to the bike for the landing).  These tricks were dangerous enough for me, but, like the NBA Dunk Contest, they have increased the difficulty tenfold since then.  At this point, if you pull a single backflip with no supplemental trick, you're laughed out of the competition.  It is to the best trick competition what the windmill is to the dunk contest.  It's as if the scoring criteria reads, "The higher the chance of you losing your life on your trick, the better your score."  Want proof?  Here are the first five tricks I saw in no particular order, 'cause I can't remember the exact order:

The first rider was 19 year-old Jackson Strong from Australia.  He pulled a front flip, the first ever in the history of the competition.  In theory, that shouldn't even be possible.  You're accelerating at a ramp that, at it's highest point, is perpendicular to the ground.  How the hell do you throw yourself and a 250 pound motorcycle forward hard enough to perform a full flip?  I don't have a clue but apparently he does and that's why he won the competition with it.

Another dude, probably from Australia as well considering the top three finishers were Aussies, pulled a double backflip.  One backflip wasn't enough so he just added another.  No big deal.  To be honest, it wasn't the first time I saw the trick, but this cat made it look way too easy.  It almost looked like that was his safe trick, the one he goes to when he just wants to land something and get on the board.  When the double backflip has become that trick, I'm afraid to ask where the competition will go from here.

The next guy saw the first guy's front flip and decided that was too easy.  I mean, it was only the first time anyone had ever executed a front flip in competition, so it's about time someone added something to it.  This lunatic tried to execute a 360 while front flipping.  Oh, I forgot to mention that he also took his hands off the handlebars in the middle of it...intentionally.  Needless to say, this dude's landing was not as smooth as the first two.  In fact, and I had a feeling it was only a matter of time, he fell off his bike upon landing and crashed head first into the dirt.  As he lay there unconscious, I couldn't help but think to myself, "Umm...while I hope this dude isn't dead, what did he think was going to happen?"  I'm allowed to say that because I know he's not dead.  He eventually got up and walked off under his own power.

Trick number four was a combination of the two I mentioned in the intro.  Homie began with a standard backflip, then, while completely upside down, he pulls a one-handed superman.  Picture a guy dangling from an upside down motorcycle with one hand while about 30 feet in the air.  Piece of cake.  And this guy had no problem getting himself back on his bike and landing with ease.

And lastly, the biggest psycho of them all, Travis Pastrana.  Pastrana has tried his hand at just about every extreme sport imaginable and been successful.  Here's what his weekend schedule was supposed to look like:  Tonight:  X-Games Moto X Best Trick.  Tomorrow:  X-Games Moto X Freestyle Final.  Saturday:  NASCAR Nationwide Debut.  Sunday:  X-Games RallyCross Final.  Unfortunately, Pastrana didn't make it through his first run in tonight's best trick competition before suffering a setback.  In his typical fashion, he came out with a trick as difficult and unique as any.  He attempted to backflip and then pull a 360, essentially separating them into two individual tricks.  After doing a little research, I learned that Pastrana has been trying to land this trick for years.  In his first attempt, he slightly over-rotated in his 360 resulting in a harmless crash.  He immediately got back on his bike, drove back up the ramp, and approached the jump for a second time.  This time, he wasn't so lucky.  He had the same problem, over-rotating on the 360, but to an even greater extent on try number two.  The man landed directly on his right leg with the bike dropping right on top of it.  He got up, took one wobbly step on that right leg, and went right back down to the ground.  I was certain that he broke something...check that, everything in his leg.  And then came the best part of the entire night:  When the "sideline" reporter checked in, she said that Pastrana diagnosed his own injury to her.  He declared that he broke his tibia and fibula in that right leg.  Hahaha call me soft, but it might be time to think about another profession when you can instantly determine what bones you broke from past injuries.  To his credit, you gotta respect a dude that tries to walk off when his only two bones between his knee and his foot have turned to pixie dust.  Quick shout-out to my co-author, Jae Pierce, who I watched jog off a football field with a fibula that was broken in multiple places.  Sorry to bring back sour memories.

The point of all this is that these extreme athletes aren't normal.  I'd almost go as far to say that they don't care about their lives, but I consider that to be disrespectful to their families.  But it's for damn sure that they don't have a problem with putting their lives at risk every time they perform.  Here's a little taste of what you get in the Moto X Best Trick Competition:  PS - Don't bother watching after the 2-minute mark.  It's pointless...

"It scared me to death.  It just doesn't make sense.  You're still on your motorcycle at the height of the jump going, 'this thing's not going to rotate around.'  I knew it was possible, it just doesn't seem logical."  -Travis Pastrana on attempting his first backflip at the X-Games.  

-Brusk Dollas