It's a Regional Thing

I'm confident that tonight's post will be a good read for all of you and considering my recent blogging habits, it damn well better be.  I apologize for the lack of consistency lately as we've failed to produce anything the past two Thursdays, but I promise there are explanations for both.  Two Thursdays ago I was on my first family vacation in years and last Thursday I worked from noon-10 p.m., then picked my sister up at the train station in Philadelphia, not to make it home until 12:30 a.m.  But enough of my sob story because I know that's not why you tuned in, I just feel that I owe you all an explanation.  The motivation for tonight's post, once again, comes from Colin Cowherd who is famous for his analysis of athletic programs based on their geographical location.  I'm going to break down the regions, similar to the way he does, but I'll be taking it a step further by analyzing specific teams that are representative of the lifestyles lived in those regions.

Lets start with the east coast, specifically the northeast.  Easily the least materialistic region of the country, the northeast is known for its blue-collar mentality and its hard-working individuals.  It's not typically considered to be a particularly wealthy region, although that is a massive misconception:  As of 2010, the three wealthiest states in the country (based on median household income) were New Hampshire, New Jersey and Connecticut, with Massachusetts also cracking the top ten at number 8.  But this debate is based strictly on reputation and I don't think anyone would deny that the northeast is viewed as a haven for the working class.  There are no professional sports teams that are more representative of their blue-collar cities than the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Boston Bruins.  Year in and year out both teams are full of hard-nosed tough guys that take as much pride in their ability to throw fists as they do their ability to play their respective sports.  They're both perennial powers whose recipe for success includes one part physical intimidation, one part scrappy defense and zero parts anything aesthetically pleasing.  Because they're so representative of their fan-bases, they each have incredibly loyal followings who will also swing on you if you feel bold enough to speak ill of their teams.  The northeast is full of committed fans who live and die with their teams to an excessive extent, but I have no doubt that's the reason for so many successful organizations in the region.

Exception:  Pittsburgh Pirates.  For most teams in the northeast, a bad season is rare. For the Pirates, a bad season is a good season.

The southeast is typically a little more flashy with cities like Miami and Myrtle Beach and is often a retirement destination for northeast natives.  It's a region where many people are more concerned with going to the beach and playing golf than they are actually getting a job and for that reason they have teams that reflect that personality.  It hurts me to say it, but my favorite team in all of sports, the Miami Dolphins, is a perfect example of this.  Some years they're pretty good, others they're downright atrocious, but, like the inhabitants of their city, there never seems to be a sense of urgency to do anything about it.  It's a nonchalant attitude that seems to be "If we're good, cool...If we're not, who cares, lets just go to the beach and get drunk."  I'd actually argue that sports fans in the southeast, specifically the state of Florida, have it right.  They actually have some perspective so that their lives don't revolve around their sports teams.  

BIG exception:  SEC football.  These fans are as die-hard as they come.  When you're willing to go to jail for poisoning a giant tree on your rival's campus, you should probably re-evaluate your pathetic life. 

I'm skipping the midwest for several reasons:  I don't know shit about it, there are no good teams to make fun of, I can't think of anything funny to say, and it's my blog so I can do whatever I want.  So we're moving on to the southwest.  The southwest is like the big brother of the southeast socially, but the little brother when it comes to sports.  Socially, it has just as many beaches, just as many beautiful people, but better weather.  Athletically it has more bad teams and no SEC football to hang its hat on.  It's another region that doesn't put much pressure on its teams to be successful and their performances are usually a reflection of that, no team moreso than the San Diego Chargers.  Every year the Chargers have as much talent as anyone in the NFL, but every year they stumble out of the gates and have to step on the gas late to try to make the playoffs.  They usually pay no attention to the little things i.e. special teams, but they lead the league in the more flashy category of passing yards.  And I don't wanna hear any of this San Francisco 49ers chatter.  If they win the NFC West it will only be because the other teams in their division are the Seattle Seahawks, the Arizona Cardinals and the St. Louis Rams.  That's like Usain Bolt racing me, you and John Kruk, except it's not like that at all because Usain Bolt is a beast and the Niners are trash.  The point is that division is horrifyingly awful.

Obvious exception:  Los Angeles Lakers.  Kobe.

Finally we have the northwest.  Here's what I know about the northwest:  It's the birthplace of Starbucks.  That's it.  And that's about as much as people in the northwest know/care about sports.  If sports didn't exist in the northwest, it would be like soccer not existing in America.  Translation:  Nobody would care.  Seattle is easily the most miserable excuse for a sports town in the country.  They have the Mariners and the Seahawks, both of whom are probably the worst teams in their respective sports, while the rest of the northwest has next to nothing to be proud of.  Socially and economically, the northwest is like a foreign country to the rest of us.  Nobody travels there, they rarely make national news and they contribute nothing the the betterment of the rest of the nation unless you're addicted to caffeine.  And the same goes for their athletic teams.

Exception:  I guess I'll give them Oregon football.  That's about the only thing that you could argue is a respectable program in the region and until it becomes a trend, it's still a bit of a stretch.

The moral of the story is that there are exceptions to every rule except for this one:  No sports team will ever be consistently successful unless the fan base demands it of them.

"Gaston is on mad d-bol.  Respect."  -Dom Mazzetti

-Brusk Dollas

Haters Gon' Hate...Again...

Today’s post will be a few short rants about topics that I don’t understand in the world of sports. There is a lot of hate going on in the world that continues to be a trending topic. In one of my previous posts I stated that “haters gon’ hate,” but some thing’s need clarification. Let’s chill with the veggies and slice right into the meat *pause*.

I’ll start by saying I’m a Dallas Cowboy fan. I won’t get into why they are my team because, well, most people don’t care. After week one’s loss to the Jets, every Tom, Dick and Gregory went out of their way to bash Tony Romo for his actions in a fourth quarter team meltdown, keyword being "TEAM." After a botched snap a half decade ago and a game that left Cowboy fans disgusted with Romo, Tony has been labeled as the guy who CANT win a big game. So let’s recap: Romo threw an over the shoulder strike to Jason Witten that left Witten off to the races. Witten, 6’6 270 lbs, got pushed out of bounds by the 5’8 180 pound Jim Leonhard on the 2 yard line. Now I'm no physics expert, but it should be rather easy to drag a man nearly 100lbs less than you into the endzone, which would have given them a 31-17 lead. Instead, the Cowboys run two, one-man pass plays to their star receiver who decided not to run a route. Tony tries to make a play, fumbles the ball and the score remains 24-17. Then the Jets get the ball, ultimately punt and the Cowboys get conservative. They line up to punt and it gets blocked for a touchdown to tie the game. After Tony throws a Brett Favre-esque interception that is inexcusable, the Cowboys lose. My question is why was he even put in that position? Leading by fourteen Tony Romo’s stat line read: 20-26 for 301 yards and 2 TDs. The defense let the Jets march down the field for a touchdown, Jason Witten gets punk’d near the goal-line, a punt gets blocked for a touchdown and everyone jumps on Tony for the 14-point lead that disappeared. Those same people still didn’t give Tony any praise after the next week's heroic comeback win with a punctured lung and his top two receivers sipping Gatorade in street clothes on the sideline. He made Kevin Ogletree and Jesse Holley look like All-Pro receivers, but you had never heard of them before that week because they are both Al Hurtington.

The part that makes me outraged is Tom Brady builds a 21-0 lead over the Bills in yesterday’s thriller and four interceptions later it’s the defense's fault that the Patriots lost. Tommy’s fourth interception was returned for the go-ahead touchdown that ultimately led the Bills to victory. And Tom didn’t even attempt to tackle the cornerback that picked him off, but it was the defense's fault. When Tony makes mistakes, he's the only one to blame, but the golden boy Tom Brady gets a pass. I DON’T GET IT. Some people can do no wrong while others seem like it's all they can do.

Switching gears a little, Michael Vick is wrong for publically bashing the officiating he gets during games. I agree he gets worked out in the pocket, but he is not the only quarterback that gets beat like a piñata on a weekly basis. Four quarterbacks come to mind for getting beat up and never getting roughing calls: Big Ben, Jay Cutler, Tony Romo and of course, Michael Vick. The one thing they all have in common is they are not very well-liked in the NFL for different (some obvious) reasons, but a penalty is a penalty. I’ve seen Tom Brady (not to pick on Tommy) get hit, look at the referee in shock and instantly receive a yellow hanky. Does Brady have a different set of rules than the rest of the league? The answer is yes, he does. Carson Palmer and Phillip Rivers both had their ACL's torn because of lower leg tackles and the NFL went on as usual because that’s football. But not for Brady. Brady tears his ACL and now we have a no tackling below the waist rule when a quarterback is in the pocket. Bet you didn’t know there was a Brady Rule, huh.

Before I wrap this one up *pause* what's with all the hate going toward Floyd Mayweather? Floyd knocked out Victor Ortiz legally. A cheap shot would imply Floyd did something illegal. What really happened is Victor Ortiz tried to head butt Floyd, the ref stopped the fight, took a point away from Ortiz and resumed the scheduled program. Did Ortiz not get the memo? When did hugging and kissing during a fight become a standard in boxing? Victor Ortiz took the cheap shot and Floyd Mayweather made him pay legally. Am I missing something?

As usual it’s been fun, don’t forget to click the ad. Enjoy the clip and stay thirsty my friends.

-Jae Pierce

Put Your Fours Up

I've been putting thoughts together on this post for a while and I'm excited to finally get to it.  Tonight will be another list of sport pet peeves, but with a slightly different approach.  I'm going to point out the most annoying, ridiculous things that you will see every time you watch a certain sport.  Because of my occupation I see every sport you can possibly imagine and have developed a list of things I can't stand to see, but can't avoid.  I have just one thing left to say before I dive right into it:  Why does Eli Manning have the most gigantic chinstrap in the history of football?

Softball - Whenever I cover a high school softball game and a girl gets on base, the catcher fakes a throw down to the base after every single pitch.  Every single one.  Every high school catcher does it and it's pretty much hilarious.  The best part is that she never actually throws it.  The whole purpose is to keep the baserunner honest, but she might as well be the girl who cried wolf.  Not only do you not ever actually throw it, but we all know your arm isn't strong enough to throw anyone out anyway.  Just save yourself and the rest of us who are watching the time and agony and throw the ball back to the pitcher already.

Tennis - This one is aimed more at professional tennis than anything else.  If I see one more tennis player win a tournament and sprawl on the ground like he just got hit by a sniper on the rooftop, I'm going to...well...OK, lets be realistic, I'm probably not gonna do anything because I know I'm going to see it the next time I watch a professional tennis final.  It's especially ridiculous when the best players in the world are doing it.  There are only three guys that ever win tournaments anyway and they've all won multiple majors.  Ever heard the phrase "act like you've been there before?"  That's even more appropriate when you have, in fact, been there before.  At least come up with a new way to celebrate 'cause that's just old and lame.

Volleyball - This one really drives me nuts.  Why is it that after every single point, both teams huddle up and have a pow wow in the middle of the court?  What could you possibly be saying?  In a given, best of five match there are probably 150 points scored, sometimes more, and you're telling me that you need to converse after every one of them?  And don't even get me started on the team that actually scored the point.  It's the same damn celebration every time.  Everyone on the team yells "Ayyyyyyyyyy!" and throws their arms in the air, even if the other team simply served the ball out of bounds.  And for the team that lost the point?  Lets just say volleyball players have to be the most supportive teammates ever.  I've never seen anyone yell at a teammate for missing an easy shot, only words of encouragement and a pat on the butt.  And it's the same whether we're talking about guys or girls.

Baseball - Does anyone ever shut up?  I mean, seriously, baseball players are the most annoying athletes of all time.  I don't even believe that they want to hear themselves yap that much, let alone anyone watching the game.  "Hey, whattya say now kid?  Here we go now kid, lets go one-five hum it in there now!"  Half the words that come out of their mouths can not be found in a Webster's.  The chatter would be kind of funny if it only happened occasionally, but it's just downright dreadful to listen to for nine full innings.  But I guess I can't blame them too much.  Whenever I have to cover it I find myself looking for other sources of entertainment too, because the game itself is just plain boring.

Football - I know you all thought I'd leave football out, because it's mine and everybody else's favorite sport. But there is one thing that happens in just about every football game that may piss me off more than anything else I've mentioned so far.  There is nothing I hate more than watching guys put four fingers in the air when the horn sounds to end the third quarter.  What does it even mean?  Are you reminding yourself, your teammates and everyone at the game that the fourth quarter is starting?  I'm pretty sure the blaring horn and the giant, lit up scoreboard took care of that for ya.  Or is that you're way of saying, "OK, the fourth quarter is about to start.  Time to start playing for real now."  If that's the case then it's probably time to stop playing for you and your team.  If you're just deciding to play now, there's a good chance you're already getting your teeth kicked in.  It's such a cliche at this point that I don't even think the guys doing it could answer me if I asked them why they're doing it.

There are still so many sports that I haven't gotten to, but I don't have the time to sit here and dedicate a paragraph to every one of them.  So let me throw a few others at you in a few words:  Basketball - Arguing every single call.  This is more of a guy thing to do.  Every male basketball player gets fouled every single time he shoots and never commits a foul on defense.  Or at least that's what he believes.  Golf - Pretty much all of the etiquette that goes with the game.  God forbid anyone be breathing while a golfer is in his/her backswing, the entire round would probably have to start over.  And last, but certainly not least, Soccer - It only takes one word to tell you what bothers me about soccer:  Everything.

And because ESPN and everyone else has begun the Cam Newton stat tracker, I'm going to start one of my own, but I'm only keeping one statistic:  0-2.

"Be more concerned with your character than with your reputation.  Your character is what you really are while your reputation is merely what others think you are."  -John Wooden

-Brusk Dollas

Are You Kidding Me?

I’m back! After a strenuous month in the world of college athletics (my employer) I have found some time to vent about what is going on in our world of entertainment. I recently had an evening of relaxation on the couch and I took notice to what was being featured during prime time hours on our beloved television. It’s almost laughable what we believe to be good entertainment in the 21^st century. Today’s post will not be long, but I will list the top 5 “are you kidding me?” television shows featured on television these days. I hope you enjoy this list of jenkum (google "jenkum" if you don't know what it is) that we call "reality tv."

5.       Sweet Home Alabama

This show is a spin off of every Bachelor, Bachelorette or Flavor of Love gimmick type show that wants you believe you can find true, everlasting love picking from a batch of fifteen fame-driven idiots. But that is not why this show is on this list. This show is on this list because of one person. The person I'm referring to revealed himself as an NFL/Sugar Bowl Punter as a participant on this show which is a complete fraud. This guy was a teammate of myself and Brusk Dollas at a much less fashionable university than the one he claims. I’m not hating on him for working toward his dream to be famous, I'm just disappointed that he has betrayed the brotherhood. We here at Roast Beef Tech had the time of our lives on Spring Break with this very same character and for three years he was a dear friend. I don’t hate this person and if I saw him today everything would be cool, but he would hear my displeasure in him turning his back on the people who took him in with open arms.

4.       Jersey Shore

If you think this is a good show and that the cast members represent true talent, please feel free to take an icepick and jam it directly into your retina. This show was created to display the ridiculousness that goes on at the Jersey Shore with the people that reside there. Naturally, people would say I'm hating because they are making so much money. Money has nothing to do with my opinion. Snooki is paid to be a drunken, vulgar idiot whose idea of funny is burping, farting and talking about poop. This "talent" will leave her unemployed and broke when MTV decides to pull the plug on this freak show. Ronnie and Sammi's relationship is every roid monkey’s relationship in a college setting. Give a meathead alcohol and mix in a girlfriend who has no clue about reality and you have their relationship. These Neanderthals don’t even realize Guido/Guidett is a derogatory word for a sad, pathetic excuse for a male or female of Italian decent. I could go on with my disgust for this show but I won’t. Apparently MTV knows more than I do about entertaining the masses.

3.       Bad Girls Club

If you have never seen this show I am happy for you. If you think Snooki is ridiculous you should see the banshees they have on this show. The concept of the show is to cast a group of girls who claim they "keep it real.” These ladies are set up in a mansion, given an endless supply of alcohol and are sent to all the local night clubs. The kicker is they are encouraged to act like psychos. I watched this show for fifteen minutes and saw a girl jumping up and down on a civilian’s car with her dress coming down to about her belly button, screaming at the girl whose boyfriend turned her down. These classy ladies keep it real at all times and routinely clean toilet bowls with each other’s toothbrushes in retaliation to being spit on. Definitely sounds like the kind of lady I want to take home to meet the parents. What’s funny to me is they claim to "keep it real" but their lifestyle is the furthest thing from reality. You know what’s real? Taking care of your child, which most of these young ladies have. That’s real. This show is a treat for sure.

2.       Basketball Wives

This show has everyone fooled because, well, none of these grown women are actually married. It's a show that was created and produced by Shawnee O’Neal (Shaq’s ex-wife), and it has completely disrespected any real woman. These ladies take pride in how insane they can possibly be while in some of the most sophisticated places. I’ve seen wine glasses tossed across restaurants and hair pulling fights at black tie events. If there is one thing these ladies have mastered, it's simply not knowing how to behave in public. All these ladies have been impregnated by an NBA superstar and wonder why they are currently divorced or single. The reason is right there on the television screen for the whole world to see. One individual on this show gets special mention: Tami Roman, ex-wife of Kenny Anderson. Tami is the definition of a hoodrat. Tami is all the way live or what the young folk would describe as “Turn’t Up.” I don't know what to say about her other than she will hurt you and I don’t mean with words. Tami is not a little girl and I would put my cash on her against most men. In other words, “this fat bitch gets physical.” (Mike Epps)

1.       Sixteen and Pregnant/ Teen Mom

Now this is what bothers me about the society that we live in. People get offended about Tom Brady telling the Patriot fan base to start drinking early and get lubed up for a 4:15 p.m. kickoff, but we promote teen pregnancy. We find entertainment in watching teenagers who made terrible decisions and anoint them as celebrities. Instead of treating them like people who have to take care of their obligations, we put them in tabloids and show our youth, "here’s a way to make a buck and become a celebrity." I’ve seen Halloween costumes of one of the pregnant characters in the show. We can’t be serious.

Special Celebrity Mention: Curtis Leskanic, former relief pitcher for the Boston Red Sox and current scout for the Boston Red Sox was found doing his best impression of Carlos Dunlap. Leskanic was arrested after being found asleep at the wheel of his car with a blood alcohol content of .35. A blood alcohol level that high puts most people in the hospital and is more than four times the legal limit. But that's not even the bad part. Not only was he passed out at the wheel, completely hammered beyond belief, but when the police got to his car they noticed his son was in the backseat. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars.

Stay Thirsty My Friend!

               

-Jae Pierce

I Ain't Afraid to Hate

Ahh, what a day.  In case you don't know, I'm a huge Miami Dolphins fan.  If everyone had to pick one team in all of sports to cheer for, mine would be the Dolphins.  I've been a fan since 'Nam, mostly because someone in my family had a 'Fins Starter jacket and Dan Marino was my idol, so I've followed them for as long as I can remember.  So when I found out they were playing the Patriots in the Monday Night Football opener, I was ecstatic.  But at the end of last week I learned that I had been assigned to cover a high school soccer game starting at 6:30 p.m. tonight and my mood quickly changed.  Obviously I was not happy, but I'm broke and need every hour I can get so I didn't complain.  I arrived at the field around 6:20 tonight (I don't need much prep time) to find the two JV teams taking the field for the start of the second half of their game.  Turns out there was a short thunderstorm that I never saw that delayed the start of their game by about 45 minutes.  Perfect.  I had already accepted that I was going to miss the entire first half of the Dolphins game, but now it was looking like I might miss the entire thing.  I rushed home when the varsity game finally ended and made it in time to catch most of the fourth quarter.  Then, when I thought I had already suffered through the worst thing the night could possibly throw my way, I saw this:  Down by 14 with about six minutes to play and facing 4th and Goal from inside the one yard-line, the Dolphins throw a fade to Brian Hartline.  That would have been a terrible call if it were designed to go to Brandon Marshall, but Brian Hartline!?!?  There's simply no explanation for that.  Needless to say they failed to convert.  On the very next play, the Patriots decide to line up in shotgun with five wide receivers from inside their own one yard-line...Who the hell does that?  Well the pathetic thing is that it worked.  Tom Brady hit Wes Welker for a 99 yard touchdown and effectively drove the final nail into the Dolphins' coffin.  So what's the point of me telling you all this?  I'm pissed off and I'm about to hate on someone who you've probably heard nothing but praise about.

So Cameron "Scam" Newton made his NFL debut yesterday for the Carolina Panthers and I'll admit, he put together a pretty impressive stat line.  422 yards passing, 2 TD's and another on the ground...Not too shabby for a guy that everyone, including myself, expected would need some time to adapt to the big boy league.  But let me ask one question:  Did every single football fan and analyst forget why you play the game?  Get 'em, Herm:

Hello!?  Cam's Panthers lost to an Arizona Cardinals team that has yet to prove anything.  I heard Mike Wilbon, a man whose opinions I value less and less every day, literally say "I don't care that they didn't win the game."  Excuse me?  So all you're looking for in a quarterback is a guy who's going to fill up a stat sheet but crumble down the stretch when his team needs a game-tying score?  And he's not the only one.  All I heard all day is how great Cam Newton is and blah, blah, blah.  How bout a win?  Cam had his team deep in Cardinal territory late in the game and failed to connect on several passes that he should have made to tie the game.  The other thing I heard a thousand times today is just an awful joke that was as unfunny the last time as it was the first time I heard it:  "Now I know why he was worth so much money in college!!!"  HAHAHA that's hilarious.  Not.  That's a not joke (Borat voice).  I'm not saying he didn't make some good throws and I'm not saying that he's not going to be a good quarterback.  All I'm saying is that if I were a betting man, I would have taken the Cardinals yesterday and I would have won.  I'm not jumping on any bandwagons until this kid shows me he can win at this level.  And did you see that picture at the start of this post?  Cam Newton is the Wayne Brady of the NFL.  Corny.  Shit, I might even still take Donovan McNabb and his 39 yards passing over Scameron.  Siiiiiiiiiiiiiike, McNabb is trash and always has been.  What is this Pop Warner?

For anyone that read my last post, I'm still putting some thoughts together for the topic that I'm excited about so stay tuned.  I'm saving that one for a day that I have some more time to dedicate to writing.  It's a timeless post so it can wait.  Oh, one more thing:  Kyle Orton stinks.  I'm writing this as the Broncos game goes to halftime and I'm confident saying that Tim Tebow should be starting.  I mean, he was good enough to beat out Cam at Florida, why isn't he good enough to at least get a chance in a league that everybody thinks Newton is going to dominate?  Don't say I didn't warn you that I was in a hatin' kind of mood.

"It's funny when people discuss love marriage vs. arranged.  It's like asking someone if suicide is better or being murdered."  -Unknown...I'm not even married and that's funny.

-Brusk Dollas

The Real T Plush

I have a great blog topic that I'm really excited to write about, but that will have to wait for another day.  I'm on a very strict schedule today as I have under two hours to complete this post and the aforementioned topic is too good to rush.  So let me throw a couple of quick thoughts at you about some events that took place yesterday and call it a day.  Absolutely first and foremost, I have to acknowledge the tragic plane crash that occurred yesterday in Russia.  If you haven't heard about it, a jet carrying a Russian hockey team crashed into a river bank immediately after leaving the airport, killing 43 of the 45 passengers.  The two that survived are in critical condition.  The team included eight former NHL players, some of whom were All-Stars.  I've written columns in the past about how fans look at professional athletes and see them as almost super-human, invincible beings.  We put them on a pedestal and forget that they're human just like the rest of us.  They face the same personal issues we do and this is just a harsh realization that they're as vulnerable to tragedies as the rest of us.  So my thoughts and prayers go out to everyone involved in the crash, especially the two survivors and the families of the fallen athletes.

Switching gears but staying right along with the vulnerability theme, what in the world is going on with Sidney Crosby?  Sid the Kid suffered a concussion back in January and said yesterday that he still hasn't fully recovered.  Dude, that was nine months ago...Something doesn't add up.  Either Crosby is the softest individual ever to call himself an athlete or that wasn't your average, run-of-the-mill concussion.  I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt and say the latter is probably true considering, I'm assuming, that wasn't the first time in his hockey career he's ever been hit.  But a normal concussion usually results in about one week of recovery time.  I mean, Austin Collie went into a state of instantaneous rigor mortis last year and I'm pretty sure he played the following Sunday.  He definitely didn't miss more than one game.  There are reports that Crosby could miss the Penguins' season opener on October 6th.  I don't know who you've been listening to Sid, but it might be time to consider a change in physician.  I'm not exactly a die-hard hockey fan, but I do know one thing:  If that sport wants to gain popularity, Crosby needs to be playing.  Alexander Ovechkin can't carry the entire league by himself, so as long as Crosby isn't on the ice, hockey will continue to be in the same category as soccer in this country.

Now to something a little more fun.  Nyjer Morgan is the man.  He has officially vaulted himself into my second favorite baseball player on Earth behind Brian Wilson (who will never be surpassed).  Morgan is just a little dude that runs wild on the field and plays the game in unorthodox fashion.  He makes some incredibly difficult plays in center field, misses some incredibly routine ones and doesn't give a damn what anyone thinks.  His twitter name is TheRealTPlush named after his alter ego, Tony Plush, he wears pants that look like they were made for his teammate Prince Fielder (Fielder is nearly twice the size of Morgan) and rivals Lenny Dykstra for the title of "Man Who Chews the Most Tobacco While Playing."  His most recent antics took place last night in a game against the St. Louis Cardinals when he struck out in the ninth inning.  Morgan proceeded to scream expletives at Cardinals' pitcher Chris Carpenter, then take his chew out of his mouth and throw it at Carpenter apparently just because he was pissed that he struck out.  That's awesome.  When Albert Pujols came to the back of his pitcher, Morgan didn't run away, but rather stayed and jawed at Pujols as well.  Essentially the 5'11, 175 pound Morgan was prepared to fight the entire Cardinals' organization.  He later tweeted about Pujols:  "Alberta couldn't see Plush if she had her gloves on!!! Wat was she thinking running afta Plush!!! She never been n tha ring!!!"  Chances are, Pujols would've worked Morgan like a stripper the day before rent is due, but my man didn't back down and I love it.

Special thanks to my dude Andrew Haberern for the conversation that inspired several of my comments about Nyjer Morgan.

"I occasionally get birthday cards from fans.  But it's often the same message:  They hope it's my last."
-Former MLB Umpire, Al Forman

-Brusk Dollas

Par For the Course

Allow me to begin tonight's post by offering my sincerest apologies for only fulfilling one of my two weekly commitments to you, the readers, last week.  It was a crazy couple of days recovering from Irene and preparing for the start of football season so I was even busier than usual.  But it's time to get back on track on this Monday night as I'd also like to wish everyone a happy Labor Day.  I hope you all enjoyed your day off and celebrated your economic and social contributions to society.  As I mentioned, most high school and college football teams kicked off their seasons this weekend and what a weekend it was.  But, because football season is so young and I foresee plenty of posts dedicated to the sport in the near future, I'm going to hold off on any gridiron discussions for now.  Oh, one more thing before I get into the real focus of the post:  I may have written my tennis/Nike post a day or two premature.  If you've been watching the US Open at all, you've probably seen a young American named Donald Young (pictured above) making a run through the bracket.  The 22 year-old Chicago native is one of just four unseeded, male competitors to advance to the round of 16 where he'll take on fourth-seeded Andy Murray on Tuesday.  The kid is downright filthy.  He's a charismatic southpaw that wears his emotions on his sleeve, a sleeve that displays the Nike swoosh.  Obviously he would have been eliminated in the first round if he had been sporting Fila gear.  Anyway, the dude is a beast, I'm on the bandwagon and there's plenty of room.  Get on board.

Most of you know by now that I'm a sports reporter for the local cable company in my area.  We specialize in high school sports and we don't discriminate which means I get some rather unenviable assignments at times.  So last week I got sent to a high school golf match between two local teams that were in first and second place respectively in their conference.  Not the best thing I've ever done, but certainly better than having to watch two small school girls' soccer teams play all of regulation and two overtimes to a scoreless tie.  I've done that and I'd rather get punched in the throat by Mike Tyson while simultaneously being lit on fire than have to do that again.  No disrespect to soccer players, your game is just really, really boring.  Anyway, let me explain how my job works so you understand the situation.  As of right now, I don't do any live broadcasts.  I just put together a package of highlights of the events I cover, very similar to what you'd see on Sportscenter.  So when it comes to covering golf, we don't follow them for the entire 18 holes because that'd just be ridiculous.  We try to get there for the last 6 or 7 holes which still gives us more than enough footage to find a couple of highlights.  

That being said, on this particular day the golfers teed off at 2:45 so my cameraman and I arrived just before 5 o' clock.  We were actually a little later than we had hoped, but I wish we had been much, much later.  When we got out onto the course, we found that the first group was just finishing up their front nine.  As we followed them to the tenth tee, there was a group of four men hitting their tee shots which means the high schoolers were forced to wait.  As we sat there, I struck up conversation with the kids, asking them if they had been playing behind these guys all day.  They told me that the men were on the first tee when they got there and they'd been forced to wait at every subsequent tee since.  It turns out the golf course scheduled another tournament that day that ran all the way up until the beginning of the high school match.  Long story short, the kids played until it was pitch black.  They played so late that the last group wasn't even able to finish, they just took pars for the 18th hole because it was impossible to see anything when they got there.  The craziest part is that it was a close match.  The way high school golf works is this:  Each team has 10 golfers that play the full round.  When the round is over, they take their best 5 scores and add them up.  But the scores aren't tallied until everyone has finished.  So everyone knew it was a close match, yet they had no other choice than to give the final two players on each team a par for the last hole.  The winning team ended up with a six-stroke victory which would have been impossible to make up on one hole, but they didn't know that at the time.

Now do me a favor:  Take a moment to think about that..............Does anyone find that as absurd as I do?  This is an official varsity contest people.  That's like two high school basketball teams showing up for their game and having to wait for a bunch of old men wearing head bands to finish their pick-up game.  Then they'd start the real game, but they'd only be allowed to play for a few minutes before having to let the old men throw up some more air balls.  There would be no scoreboard, just someone keeping track of each team's total, but not telling the players the score.  And that process would continue over and over until the kids had almost played the entire game.  But instead of finishing, each team would just add ten points to their total and hope they had done enough up until that point to win the game.  It's completely bogus.  It reminds me of high  school and even some college tennis where the players make their own calls and keep their own score.  I mean I covered a state playoff tennis match and they didn't even have umpires, just some official that basically served as a mediator if there was a disagreement.  I actually feel bad for those golfers because their sport gets no love.  But, then again, we are talking about golf, the thing that most people do on their day off.  Now let me get back to watching Roger Federer absolutely tool on this no-name cat, Juan Monaco in a match that didn't start until almost midnight.

*Russell Wilson for Heisman*

"I think there's--he's the main guy and then there's probably four or five of us that are--I don't know.  Maybe we need to do just a tag team effort or something, join forces, you know, like Power Rangers or something."  -Andy Roddick, after losing to Roger Federer in 2005...I still love Roddick even though he rocks Lacoste on the court

-Brusk Dollas

Look Good, Feel Good; Feel Good, Play Good

As a result of that biotch named Irene, my home was without electricity from late Saturday night until this morning.  For that reason, I was unable to fulfill my commitment to posting every Monday and Thursday night, but we're officially back in business.  Kinda makes me wonder what bloggers did back in the old days when there was no such thing as electricity.  Anyway, I like sports.  I've played just about every sport there is and I'll watch almost anything that ESPN is willing to broadcast.  From poker to bowling to real sports like basketball and football, I've played it and I've watched it.  I'll even go so far as to watch the most unwatchable sport of them all, soccer, assuming there are no "King of Queens" re-runs airing simultaneously (but only because I'm a student of my craft of sports reporting).  That being said, the motivation for tonight's post came to me as I watched the US Open of tennis today.

Look good, feel good; feel good, play good:  A phrase that many athletes, myself included, live by.  I have no problem admitting that I did/wore things during my athletic career for no other reason than to look like an absolute beast.  Most notably, in my days as a college football player, I wore a visor (eye shield), taped my wrists, spatted my ankles (full ankle tape over the shoes), and cut one of the sleeves off my Under Armour so that I had a single, long sleeve with the other arm bare.  Some people probably looked at me and thought I was an idiot, but I felt like a baller and it legitimately gave me more confidence as a player.  And it's not just accessories that some people focus on, but the brand names on the equipment as well.  I played with guys that believed we would be a better team when we switched from Russell jerseys to Nike ones.  So what does all this have to do with the US Open?  The answer is simple:  There may not be a single sport that represents more brands than tennis.  

I watched James Blake beat some random dude named Jesse Huta Galung earlier today and wanted so badly to be a fan of Blake's.  He's an American from New York, the state in which the US Open is being played, and I like his demeanor on the court (you'll never hear me use the word "swag" again, by the way).  But just when I thought I had found a new tennis player to root for, I noticed that the man was wearing Fila.  Fila!?!?  Noooooooooo James.  The only good thing about Fila is that Lil' Scrappy has a hype song with that title, but in the song "F.I.L.A." stands for "Forever I Love Atlanta."  Oh, and the song isn't even that good.  Other than that, I didn't know Fila even existed anymore, and I would have preferred that it stay that way.  And the list doesn't end there.  There are only a hand-full of tennis players that rock Nike gear (Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer), but naturally they're some of the world's best players.  Not even the best American player for the last decade, Andy Roddick, is decked out in Nike equipment.  He's sponsored by Lacoste.  I love Roddick, but Lacoste is a good sponsor for a debate team, not an elite athlete.  And now you know why he's never been able to consistently compete with the world's best.

Don't believe me?  Think about the most recognizable athletes on the planet, past or present...OK, who comes to mind?  I'm guessing Michael Jordan, Lebron James, Tiger Woods, Tom Brady, Alexander Ovechkin, Derek Jeter, Roger Federer and maybe a few others.  I'm certain that the NFL is sponsored by Reebok and I'm pretty sure the NHL is as well, so take Brady and Ovechkin out of the equation.  But in the other sports (NBA, MLB, professional tennis and professional golf), players have the option of wearing whatever brand of equipment they want.  So what do MJ, Lebron, Tiger, Jeter and Federer all have in common?  They all wear Nike.  Look, I'm not stupid.  I realize that money plays a huge factor in all of this.  Nike is the biggest athletic corporation on the planet, therefore they have the most money to pay high profile athletes to wear their equipment.  But here's another justification.  The last ten NCAA Football Division 1 FBS National Champions have been:  Auburn, Alabama, Florida, LSU, Florida again, Texas, USC, USC again, Ohio State and Miami.  I don't need to tell you who sponsors all eight of these programs.  Lastly, in my five years in college, my football team had three different sponsors:  Russell, Nike and Adidas.  We made the national playoffs just one time in those five years and I bet you can guess who our sponsor was that year...Coincidence?  I think not.  I'm not going to say it's impossible to win if you don't wear Nike, but it's pretty clear that your chances increase exponentially if you do.  I'd love to hear your opinions on the subject, so please leave comments on this site or my Facebook page.  Thank you all.

"We can't win at home and we can't win on the road.  My problem as general manager is I can't think of another place to play."  -Pat Williams

-Brusk Dollhairs

Somebody Pay That Man

College athletes receiving illegal benefits.  Can anyone think of a single topic that has ever received more attention in the wide world of sports?  I certainly can't.  And, while I wrote a post about the topic a few months back, there are new developments popping up daily.  New schools, new violations, new, loser boosters that illegally give their money to athletes.  And the best part about those assholes is that many of them made their money illegally.  Laws are just being disregarded left and right.  The NCAA has now focused the majority of its attention on the University of Miami and the allegations surrounding current prison inmate Nevin Shapiro.  While that may be the flavor of the week, Terrelle Pryor continues to garner attention after being selected by the Oakland Raiders in this week's NFL Supplemental Draft, and he's the individual I'd like to focus on tonight.

I didn't go back and read my last post on this topic so forgive me if I'm a little redundant.  But I'm completely sick of hearing people call Pryor "the man who ruined Ohio State."  That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.  Pryor made some bad decisions, yes.  But he didn't do anything that every struggling, 19 year-old college student wouldn't have done.  If I told you that you could have a brand new sports car for free when you were 19 years old, you'd ask me where to sign.  I've said it before and I'll say it again:  The people to blame in these situations are the compliance officers, the coaching staff and, most importantly, the scumbag boosters.  At this point we're just waiting to hear who the next school, player or coach is that will be under investigation.  Trust me, everyone is guilty.  Every single Division 1 athletic program in the country is doing something they're not supposed to.  The Pryor case is definitely an extreme, but it's not a matter of who's violating NCAA rules, but rather a matter of who's going to get caught.  Not all violations are as serious as the ones at Ohio State, USC, Miami and many other big name universities, but plenty of smaller schools could face heat too.  There are countless schools committing what the NCAA would consider to be petty violations such as going over the allotted practice hours in a week, supplying academic "assistance" that would be frowned upon, or covering up misdemeanor offenses.  In those instances, it would be mostly the coaching staff and compliance officers that would be punished, but guilty is guilty.

Now I've heard several suggestions of ways to fix the problem of athletes receiving illegal benefits.  Most notably, make it a felony for any booster to supply illegal benefits or don't allow any athlete to play professionally if he/she was proven to have taken illegal benefits while in college.  As far as the first recommendation goes, I'm not necessarily opposed to it.  However I think that's a little optimistic.  I'd be a supporter of imprisoning every sleazeball that puts a naive college athlete in a position to ruin their career, but it's just not realistic.  Misdemeanor?  Sure.  But a felony?  Like, the same level of criminal offense as armed robbery, homicide, rape, and other heinous crimes?  I don't think so.  As for suggestion number two, that just simply wouldn't solve the problem.  Yes, it would deter athletes at the highest level from taking gifts from boosters, but it doesn't account for the athletes that either know they're not good enough to play professionally or don't want to play professionally.  Those particular athletes would have no problem pocketing some extra cash.

So after thinking long and hard *pause* about it, after analyzing all aspects of the issue, I've finally come up with a solution:  Pay college athletes.  OK, maybe I wasn't the first person to submit the idea, but I'm now a supporter of it.  I had never really decided on which side of the fence I fell when it came to the idea of paying college athletes, but now it's become clear.  It's simply the only way and the best way to assure that they won't be tempted to accept bribes from outsiders.  It would also level the playing field when it comes to recruiting.  Programs and coaches would actually have to sell their universities (figuratively, not literally) to recruits based on the school itself, the football tradition and academics instead of showing them the private yachts and strip clubs they'll get to attend if they play well.  What a concept.  Oh, by the way, Terrelle Pryor will be a good NFL player.  Better than Cam Newton.  You heard it here first.

Instead of a quote to end this post, I'm going to give you all a very special treat.  The following is the video that myself and a few friends made in our 11th grade spanish class.  And after you watch it I don't think you'll have a hard time figuring out why we aced it.  Too easy.  Enjoy.

-Brusk Dollas

That's Just Fan-Tastic

The more I brainstorm ideas for this blog, the more obvious it becomes to me what the biggest problem in the sports world is:  Fans.  I've dedicated multiple posts to different kinds of fans and I think I may have even said that ignorant, uninformed fans are the worst kind at one point.  If I did indeed do that, I'd like to formally rescind that statement right now.  Because I can honestly say that I've finally identified the very worst kind of fan beyond a reasonable doubt:  True, obsessed "fanatics."  The fan that truly believes that his/her pre-game ritual is going to affect the outcome of the game.  The fan that believes that he/she is as much a part of the team as the players.  The fan that believes that he/she would make a better coach than "that asshole," but only when their team is losing.  The fan that literally hates other teams because it's not "their" team.  The fan that lives vicariously through the players on "their" team.  And worst of all, the fan that is willing to physically fight another human for not being a fan of "their" team.

I like to begin my posts by providing a little bit of context for my arguments.  In this case, I'm going to use myself as an example.  I love sports.  I've played them for my entire life and continue to do so recreationally on a weekly (sometimes daily) basis.  I love them so much that I've decided to pursue a career that is completely devoted to athletics.  I have a favorite team in the NFL, NBA, MLB, NCAA Football, NCAA Basketball and Trexlertown Slow-Pitch Softball League.  I don't like to see them lose.  But if they do, I'm mature enough to recognize that it's a game and it really has nothing to do with my life.  I sulk for about 37 seconds, take a sip of my beer, and then go back to not being a complete psycho about something I have no control over.  And never have I even dreamed about fighting someone for not rooting for the same team as me.  That's just laughable.

The initial motivation for this post came Thursday night during/after the Eagles' preseason game against the Steelers.  In case you missed it, the Eagles weren't exactly impressive.  Mike Vick threw three interceptions in one half and their starters were downright dominated by their Steeler counterparts.  So I sign on Facebook as the game is ending and what's the first thing I see in my newsfeed?  Countless statuses from non-Eagle fans talking shit about the Eagles.  Several of them that read something like this:  "Ohh some dream team huh?  HAHAHA I love watching the Eagles suck!"  Really?  No, seriously...REALLY?  How little of a life do you have that you're watching a preseason game just hoping you'll see a team fail?  And the sad thing is that it wasn't just one person, it was several.  All that tells me is that you already know "your" team is going to be hot garbage so you're just praying that your friends don't have something to cheer about.  You know what they say, misery loves company.  Sidenote:  Most of you that are reading this know me well enough to know that I couldn't care less about the Eagles.  So it's not like my feelings were hurt.  I just think it's hilarious that people are more worried about them than they are about "their" team.  And by "hilarious" I clearly mean "embarrassing."

I don't hate you if you fall into the above category.  I understand that people like to talk junk to their friends and there's friendly competition when it comes to favorite teams.  I still think it's a little ridiculous to root against a team unless "your" team is in a battle with them in the standings, but it's more funny than it is anything serious.  But this is the part where I do get a little serious on you.  I had already made up my mind that this was going to be the focus of my next post when another tragic event occurred at a San Francisco sporting event.  Saturday night the 49ers hosted the Oakland Raiders in preseason action at Candlestick Park.  There were multiple violent offenses surrounding the game.  One man was assaulted and knocked unconscious in a restroom during the game, there was a brawl involving several fans in the stands, and then two more men were SHOT after the game.  It's uncertain whether or not the incidents were related, but the fact of the matter is that at least one fan was offended enough to pull a gun and use it.  I'm literally so disgusted that I almost don't even know what to say.  First of all, who the hell brings a gun to a preseason football game?  Second of all, how is it possible that anything could have been said or done that warranted a shooting?  It's literally mind-boggling.  I can't find words to express how pathetic these people are.  And this came on the heels of San Francisco Giants fan Bryan Stow being beaten to a coma by two Los Angeles Dodger fans earlier this year.  These people aren't fans.  They're psychotic criminals that should be castrated with a rusty butter knife before spending the rest of their lives behind bars.

And this isn't a new phenomenon.  Fans have been rioting, brawling and fighting for as long as sports have existed.  Soccer fans are infamous for their brawls.  There was a fight at the Ravens/Chiefs game the same night as the Niners/Raiders game.  We all remember the Pistons/Pacers brawl which was incited by idiotic fans.  So what's the solution?  I can pretty much guarantee that alcohol is the one constant in these occurrences.  But there's really no way to prevent people from drinking.  Stadiums aren't going to stop selling alcohol during games because they'd lose a ton of money and, to be honest, that wouldn't change anything anyway.  People will find a way to drink.  If they can't get it during games, they'll drink during tailgating.  If they can't tailgate, they'll drink before they get to the park.  It's a scary thought, but there's really no way to assure that these things won't happen.  This may be the only time you'll ever see me drop an f-bomb on here, but I have to do it to show how serious I am.  The only way to prevent this shit from happening is for people to grow the fuck up.  I just don't know if that will ever happen.

"The fanatic is incorruptible:  if he kills for an idea, he can just as well get himself killed for one; in either case, tyrant or martyr, he is a monster."  -Emil Cioran (Romanian philosopher and essayist)

-Brusk Dollas

Just the "Tip" of the Iceberg

The sports world quickly went from incredibly boring and uneventful to having an abundance of potential blog topics.  From the endless NCAA violations at Miami (is anybody really surprised about anything that goes down at "The U?") to the NFL's belief that they can just make up rules as they go along (kickoffs moved up five yards, Terrelle Pryor being eligible for the supplemental draft when he CLEARLY should not be), I wasn't sure which direction to go when I woke up this morning.  Fortunately for all of us, somebody gift-wrapped a topic and delivered it to me on this fine day.  There may come a day in the near future that I tackle one of the aforementioned issues, but today's post will be completely dedicated to a list of the Top Ten Worst Celebrity Tippers that was accumulated on a restaurant blog called "Short Order."

Before I even dive into the list, let me address a few important questions/facts:  First of all, I know what you all are thinking:  What criteria was used in developing this list?  Also, how do we know what facts are/aren't true?  As far as the first question is concerned, this blog did their research.  According to the site, the list was compiled based on the "number of cheapskate lists each person appears on, stinginess relative to how wealthy the person is, and how low the tip, comparative to how high the bill."  Naturally I did my research as well and can confirm that their top ten were consistently appearing on list after list.  To answer question number two, simply, we don't.  It's impossible to know the real facts unless you're a server that was unfortunate enough to deal with one of these scumbags.  But because there are several celebrities on the list that I never liked in the first place, I choose to believe it.  And that brings up the one fact that I needed to get out of the way.  I'm the most skeptical dude on the planet when it comes to most things...That is, unless, it's more negative press about someone that I already disliked.  So now that we have those things out of the way, here's the list with my take on each individual named.

Coming in at #10 on this lovely list is the most popular food personality herself, Rachael Ray.  Lets be serious.  Any normal person that has ever watched Rachael Ray knows that the smell of her annoyingness (yes, that's a real word) and fraudulence are much stronger than that of the dishes she whips up.  She tries wayyyy to hard to come off as a genuine sweetheart when clearly she flips that switch off as soon as the camera turns off.

At #9 is long-time funnyman Bill Cosby.  This one is a little disappointing because Cosby doesn't fall into the category of "celebrities I never liked."  Nonetheless, the man is getting downright old at this point so I'll chalk his bad tips up to old age/an inability to perform simple math/senility.

#8 on the list is actor Sean Penn.  When it comes to his on-screen performances, I'm a big fan of Penn's.  But I'm hardly surprised to see him on this list considering that he seems virtually unable to form a smile.

At #7 we have the beautiful Mariah Carey.  If her tip percentage was as high as the notes she's capable of hitting, restaurant servers would be very happy and she would be very broke.  However that is far from the case.  Once again though, no surprise that someone who would marry Nick Cannon lacks judgment in other areas of her life.

Not quite cheap enough to crack the Top 5 is R&B singer Usher at #6.  This one is probably the biggest surprise on the list.  Don't kid yourself, everyone likes Usher.  He's a talented musician and dancer and seems authentically personable whenever he's interviewed.  But we might as well stay right along with the whole "lack of judgment" theme.  If you're looking for a reason to believe that Usher may very well belong on this list, just go listen to his 2004 album titled "Confessions" where he publicly admits to having impregnated another woman while in a relationship.  True story.  Not to mention that his name appeared more consistently than anyone's when I was doing some research into the credibility of this list.

And this is where the list really gets good.  At #5 is actor Jeremy Piven, or, as most of you probably know him, Ari from the HBO series "Entourage."  It's reported that Piven once left an autographed "Entourage" DVD as his show of gratitude.  That would be a nice thing to do along with at least a 25% tip for someone as wealthy as he is.  And if you're sitting there thinking, "Well at least you could sell it on EBay and make some money off of it," I really have no rebuttal.  You're right, you probably could do that.  Maybe this man doesn't belong on the list after all.  Don't shoot the messenger.

My only complaint about the next dirtball on this list is that he didn't make the top 3.   The #4 worst celebrity tipper is Lebron James.  I don't need to sit here and tell you all the reasons you shouldn't be surprised about this one.  The dude is downright corny.  Here's an impressive display of appreciation for ya:  According to The Miami News Times, James once ran up an $800 tab at a Cleveland steakhouse, eating and drinking until 4 a.m.  At that hour, chances are the place would have closed 4 hours earlier but likely remained open for the man that city once idolized.  So how did he thank them?  By leaving a staggering $10.  I'm no mathematician, but I think that equates to 1.25%.  Someone double-check that.  Anyway, given that the tip comes at the end of the meal, that's just another confirmation that James has no idea how to finish.

And now for the Top 3.  At #3 is the ageless actor/singer Barbara Streisand.  This is a tough one.  Streisand is rather well-known for her charitable donations.  According to the Boston Herald, she's raised more than $25 million for charities via live performances.  But there's a report that she once left a $10 tip on a $457 tab. Apparently all celebrities think that $10 is a sufficient tip regardless of the size of the bill.  I'm just gonna stop there 'cause I know what some of you are thinking...

Just barely missing the top spot, coming in at #2 is Madonna.  This chick is just plain weird.  I'm not even gonna make the "Material Girl" connection because I've already heard it too many times.  But the original Lady Gaga minus wearing raw meat for a hat is reported to have left an $18 tip on a $400 bill.  Terrible, yes. But does it bother anyone else that Lebron's 1.25% didn't edge out Babs and Madonna?  Anyway, I'm impartial when it comes to Madonna so I'm gonna give her a bit of a pass here.

And taking home the top spot, the stingiest mofo on planet Earth......................My good pal Eldrick "Tiger" Woods.  This entire post could have been dedicated to poor displays of judgment on Tiger's behalf.  But the one that is relevant to this list comes from a report by "List of the Day:"  Apparently Tiger once "pulled a mulligan on a $5 tip, re-pocketing the money meant for a waitress after realizing he had tipped her earlier in the evening.  He was possibly distracted by the $10,000 hand of blackjack he was playing."  It's a damn good thing he pulled that 5-spot back.  As of September of 2010, the most recent calculated report I could find, Tiger was only worth 100 million times more than that.  I wanted to make some sort of comparison until I realized there is nothing in the world that is worth 100 million times less than I am.  The only thing comparable between Tiger and myself at this point is our golf game.  On that note, he may need that $5 in the near future.

"I have a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone's golf game.  It's called an eraser."  -Arnold Palmer

-Brusk Dollas

The Infamous "Softball Guy"

I don't know what's taken me so long to get to this topic.  I really don't.  And it's not because I have a whole lot to say about it, but more because my opinions are rather strong.  But I just recently got home from one of my twice a week, slow-pitch softball games so it's fresh in my mind and it's finally time.  Not to mention that the Trexlertown Slow-Pitch playoffs are this weekend so there's no better time for me to get this off my chest.  If you listen to Jim Rome on Fox Sports Radio, there's a very good chance that you've heard him allude to "softball guy."  If not, allow me to explain:  Rome consistently refers to this guy as the guy wearing jersey number 69 with the name "Hammer" on the back of it who thinks that his beer-drinking softball league is life.  And while there are plenty of "Hammers" in the world, my definition of "softball guy" extends even further than the clean-up hitting, roid injecting, sleeve-cutting, pick-up truck driving lunatic that tries to hit the cover off the ball every at-bat.  There are so many more guys that don't fit that description that still fall into the category of "softball guys."

Let me begin by saying there is definitely a fine line between a normal softball player and "softball guy."  Take myself for example:  I'm very competitive by nature so I try to win and perform at the highest level possible regardless of what I'm doing.  I expect to get a base-hit every time I step to the plate and make every defensive play that is humanly possible.  I've even been known to throw my bat from time to time when I hit a weak pop-up, but that's simply because there's no excuse for that for someone with any ounce of athleticism in their body.  But here are a few things you might see from "softball guy" after making an out:  Refusal to talk to teammates, inability to smile, hostility for the remainder of the game, and an attempt to break the aluminum bat over their knee (and possibly succeeding, depending on their steroid dosage for the day).  There are some guys that just take the game way too seriously.  If your week...check that...if your day is ruined after a loss in slow-pitch softball, you need a new hobby or two.

And the worst kind of "softball guy" is the guy that never played a sport in his life yet thinks it's OK to tell a real athlete how to play the game.  Not only did nobody respect you before, but now you might as well be the dirt on the bottom of my cleats.  This is typically the same guy that keeps track of his slugging percentage, on-base percentage, fielding percentage, ERA, or how many more milligrams of Dianabol he needs to hit the ball that extra ten feet to get over the fence.  This guy also wears baseball pants when he plays and doesn't just complain, but curses out the one-man umpire crew when there's a bang-bang play at second base and the call doesn't go his team's way.  Seriously, give the guy a break, loser.  Unless your name is Rusty Bumgardner, just enjoy the game for what it is:  A great way to have fun with friends, enjoy a few adult beverages and convince yourself that you just got your exercise for the day even though you didn't break a sweat.  Basically what it comes down to is this:  "Softball guy" is just another way of saying "weird guy with no life."

"I got 3-D glasses for $9.99!  The movie is free!"  -Some very dumb DJ from Gucci Mane's very dumb song, "Frowny Face," off his very dumb mixtape, "The BurrPrint 3-D."  So dumb.

-Brusk Dollhairs

Haters Gon' Hate

The opinion that I'm about to share with you is one that I will stand by forever because this very same situation was a part of my life for three years (minus the major media coverage). Why is the media bashing a young man that has done nothing to warrant hatred? Why is he the butt of every joke when he has accomplished more in twenty-three years than his middle-aged critics have in a lifetime? Tim Tebow has been the topic of verbal onslaught for over a week now due to the perception of his play at Quarterback. I don’t get it and I probably never will, but today’s post will be my stance on Tim Tebow, the football player. I won't bore you with discussions about Tim Tebow’s lifestyle because he lives by a moral code that most of us couldn’t sustain for a week. Today will be my rebuttal to the critics and their lack of confidence in one Timothy Richard Tebow.

I've heard it all when it comes to Tebow's play at the Quarterback position and every day I question if the critics realize who they are talking about. Tim Tebow is a Quarterback who, throughout his whole life, was told he couldn’t play the position. As a true Sophomore, Tebow was the first player ever to win the Heisman as a second year player confirming the hype that has surrounded him since his days in high school. He’s also the first guy in fifty years to win the Maxwell Award (Best Offensive Player) twice and it should be noted he beat out Cam Newton (First Pick in 2011 NFL Draft) for a starting job at Florida twice. Yet I still hear that Timmy can’t play Quarterback at the NFL level even though he out-performed everyone, including the guys that analysts praise.  

I will agree Tim Tebow is not your classic, sit-in-the-pocket, statue Quarterback, but neither are Steve Young, Randall Cunningham, Michael Vick or Donovan McNabb. The common denominator with all these amazing football players is that they perform when the lights are on. The past week has brought us numerous reports of how Kyle Orton looks better than Tebow and he will begin the season as the starter for the Denver Broncos. Tebow has not only lost his competition for the starting job, but reporters have said that Brady Quinn has been throwing the ball better than Tebow and that he will likely be Orton's back-up. While the assault of Tebow is taking place, remember one thing:  The last time the Denver Broncos took the field against an opponent Tebow was competing against playoff caliber teams with Orton and Quinn watching from the sideline feeding each other water. The media talks about Orton like he was a playoff caliber quarterback last year. In reality, Orton started the first 13 games of the season leading the Broncos to an embarrassing 3-10 record in those games. My biggest issue with the situation in Denver is that the observers are judging the hardest position in sports under the most unrealistic conditions. Anyone who has ever played the game, and a lot of people who haven't, know the golden rule in practice is DON’T TOUCH THE QUARTBACK. Every traditional Quarterback is great without the possibility of a defender knocking his teeth down his throat. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I'm pretty sure no team was ever rewarded a win for having a good practice.

In college I played with three different Quarterbacks in my four-year experience. I will not single out any one of these guys, but the two who were excellent practice Quarterbacks led us to a very impressive three-year record of 13-17 (please note the sarcasm). When those two were either gone or injured, the guy who wasn’t always throwing the most beautiful passes during routes on air and who didn't care how his balls *pause* looked in line-throw took his troops on a six-game winning streak which ultimately ended in the NCAA playoffs. The intangibles this quarterback possessed weren't something you could see in skelly (7on7). This Quarterback shined on the gridiron, during games, where the pads crack and defenses take pleasure in decapitating signal-callers.

It doesn’t matter who throws the prettiest spiral or who can launch a rocket 85 yards in the air. All that matters is how a Quarterback leads his men and brings home victories. At the end of the day he's one of many that went into the trenches together as a unit in the ultimate team sport. Tebow rallies his followers with his play on the game-field. He brings heart, passion and desire which is are all traits shared by my former teammate. Give the kid a chance to fail instead of writing him off. After all, he's done nothing his entire life but prove everyone wrong. You'd be surprised at what can be accomplished when a chance is given to someone who's been counted out their entire life. Does the name Doug Flutie ring a bell?

 “We’re gonna take lives and crush skulls. Live by the motto we follow and he'll take us to victory. Bring this shit up and say it on three:  In Brusko We Trust!”  -Sean Wasson AKA The Most Interesting Man On Earth. Stay thirsty my friends!

-Jae Pierce

Always a Front-Runner

Over the past few weeks, my co-author and I have gone in a slightly different direction with many of our posts.  If you've been keeping up with us, you know we haven't talked a whole lot about current events in the sports world, mostly because it's a pretty boring time of year.  We also like to give our readers something different, something you haven't already heard five times a day on SportsCenter.  But after this weekend's PGA WGC-Bridgestone Invitational, I have to give you my take on what everyone and their mother have been talking about.

The Bridgestone Invitational garnered the attention of just about every sports fan as Tiger Woods played his first tournament since May 12, when he withdrew from the Players Championship due to injury after an atrocious first nine holes.  But Woods' return wasn't the only thing that people were watching.  Just two weeks before the tournament he fired long-time caddie and friend, Steve Williams, after 12 years together.  The break-up was inevitable after Williams became vocally critical of Woods as a result of Tiger's adulterous ways that were made public knowledge almost two years ago.  These two men, who, at one time were such good friends that they stood up for one another at their respective weddings, have seen their relationship deteriorate rapidly since Thanksgiving of 2009.  After his firing, Williams was hired by Adam Scott to carry his bag for this weekend's tournament.

I'll be the first to admit, I was rooting for Scott to win simply out of spite for Tiger.  I've never been a fan of Woods and when Scott eventually won the tournament on Sunday I was a happy man.  But my elation only lasted until I heard Williams' post-round interview.  Before I get into his comments, let me explain something to those of you who don't know much about golf:  Williams is a caddy.  His job is to carry his golfer's bag, recommend an occasional club, help his golfer read greens, and dap him up after a good shot.  And that's being generous.  According to Curtis Strange, two-time winner of the U.S. Open, a caddy's job is to "show up, keep up and shut up."  The golfer swings the clubs.  The golfer records every single score on every single hole.  The golfer makes the final decision on what club to use and what shot to hit.  That's why I had to laugh and then vomit when I heard Williams acting like he had just won the tournament on Sunday.  Take a listen to this:

I don't really care about him saying it was the best win and week of his life.  I really don't.  He obviously had a chip on his shoulder after his firing so it's natural that he wanted to win this weekend more than ever before, especially with Tiger in the field.  My disgust comes from him acting like he was the one making the shots.  At no point did he give any credit to the man that actually played.  The man conducting the interview, David Feherty, even gave Williams a perfect opportunity to compliment Adam Scott (although it was the longest question I've ever heard from a reporter), but Williams blew that chance.  Instead he thought the world needed to know that he's a "very confident front-runner" on the racetrack and on the golf course.  First of all, literally nobody cares that you go racing.  I'm betting he doesn't even do the driving, he just sits in the passenger seat and tells the driver to keep turning left.  Second of all, YOU didn't win.  YOUR GOLFER won.  And YOU don't have 145 career wins.  You've CARRIED THE BAG for 145 wins, almost all of them coming from arguably the greatest golfer in history.  There's a reason you wear your golfer's last name on the back of your shirt instead of your own:  Because you just don't matter that much.  If caddies make such a difference in a round of golf, why is it that I can't name a single one other than Williams?  And don't let it go to your head, Stevie.  The only reason I know your name is because of your immature behavior.

I understand why Williams is upset.  According to him, Tiger fired him during a phone conversation, not in a face to face meeting like Woods has said.  But it's about time he grows up and handles his disappointment like a man.  Don't go cry to the media about how you need to put food on the table for your family.  I have a hard time feeling bad for someone who has easily made several million dollars over the past few years by simply carrying some golf clubs.  Tiger Woods made you.  Anyway, what did you think was going to happen when you publicly criticized him for decisions he made in his private life?  I never thought we'd see the day that I support Tiger Woods, but I think Williams has managed to surpass him for my least favorite individual in golf.  

"I'll get up at five in the morning to do only two things:  Go to the bathroom and play golf."

-Jim McMahon, former NFL Quarterback

-Brusk Dollhairs

Oh Happy Day

Listen up everybody:  As most of you probably know, today, Thursday, August 4th, is the birthday of an incredibly important and influential man in our country.  A man that many people admire and believe to be the answer to all of our nation's biggest problems.  That man, of course, is me.  And because I'm committed to this blog, I've gone against the advice of some of the people closest to me and decided to post regardless of the fact that I should probably be getting absolutely annihilated right now.  I will warn you though, this isn't going to be the most lengthy post I've ever written as I have celebrating to do.  But what better way to honor this glorious day than to examine some athletic history that has taken place on this date?  None that I can think of.

On August 4th, 1984, Carl Lewis captured his very first Olympic gold medal by winning the 100m dash final in Los Angeles.  Lewis would go on to win eight more gold medals in his Olympic career, tying him with Mark Spitz and Paavo Nurmi for the most in men's Summer Olympic history.  That record stood until 2008 when Michael Phelps won 8 gold medals in a single year to push his total to 14.  Nonetheless, Lewis is the single greatest sprinter in U.S. history, but here's a fun fact that most people don't know:  Lewis is arguably a better singer than he is a sprinter:

I've also discovered that August 4th is National Steroids Day.  Check this out:  Roger Clemens was born on August 4th, 1962, and we all know that man still has needles floating around his septic tank.  Then on this day four years ago, Barry Bonds tied Hank Aaron for the most homeruns in MLB history when he hit the 755th of his career, and Alex Rodriguez joined the 500 club the very same day.  I'm gonna give A-Rod a pass and not even mention his most recent controversy involving high-stakes poker games because I'm on a strict schedule.  But I won't ignore the fact that he and Bonds both came into the league looking like Antoine Dodson and "somehow" evolved into Ronnie Coleman look-alikes.  Google the names if you don't know who they are.  

In my last minute research I found a few more notable individuals that were born on August 4th:  NASCAR drivers Kurt Busch and Jeff Gordon.  Those two should be honored to share a birthday with someone like myself who's had moderate success in an actual sport.  And lastly, I just learned that the President of the United States of America, Barack Obama, was born on this day back in 1961.  Who knew?

Unfortunately, yes, that's all I have for today.  Thank you all for the birthday wishes you've offered, whether it be via Facebook, text message or phone call.  I have an amazing family and an awesome group of friends and I hope you all know how much I appreciate you.  And if you happen to read this on Thursday night, throw back a cold one for me.  I'm sure I'll be doing the same.

"Birthdays are good for you.  Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest."  -Unknown

-Brusk Dollhairs